little mind farts...
i have always thought of a journal as something that
receives all of your insantiy and lets you vent without the
judgement that a person may give you. it was always a great
relief to me to be able to do that; just write, just record
things. i was reading my older journals last night and i
was amazed my thoughts. i always considered them
trival...never really good enough, you know? now, however,
as i read back on them, my thoughts seemed so much evoled
than i thought. they were alot more intense than my
friends. this is a good thing, i just wish that i could
open up and show this side of myself to everyone. it's so
tender you know? it's vunerable. i guess i don't really let
everyone see that side because sometimes i think that it
intimdates some people and on top of that, like i said
earlier, there is no judegment that way. but then again,
who gives a fuck about others judgement of me. it's
pointless to worry about others opinions of myself.
i was worried that at one point (i think i recorded this
fear) that i was becoming just another robot. you
know...that person who becomes mechincal and simply blends
in within everyone esle. i would hate to be like most of
the kids in my school. they don't think for themselves,
they seem scared to be different. when someone calls me
unique or different, that is a bigger compliment that
someone calling me beautiful. beauty fades, your
individuality is forever.
i feel so contented right now. i am really relaxed. it
feels good not to worry. it feels to just exist in the
moment and not worry about what's gonna happen in 5 mintues
or this friday etc. it feels good just to be aware of this
i think that i maybe be becoming restless with this
journal. i guess that i shouldn't because it is a beautiful
release but i wanted a change you know? then again,
honestly, what pulls me back is how the entries are laid
out. you know? the white words on a the black screen.
that's really really beautiful i think.
a teacher once told me that if i worked up to my full
potential i could be the smartest kid in his class. i took
such offense to that statement. it annoys me that people
equate intelligence with a's and b's. yes this is some
indication but there is sooo much more than that.
i have to go...the bell rang. i'll write later.