ursweety

The many thoughts of Ann
2002-05-15 04:29:05 (UTC)

Pathetic Letter to sonia trying to express feelings... feel free to read and laugh

O.k
As we all know I have a problem effectively expressing
the way i feel, and i could have kicked myself in the pants
when i hung up the phone with you, because here i am
writing you this note, when any other person in a 7 month
relationship could have easily told you over the phone or
in person... O.k so we have had conversations before
aboutme being shy and i AM sensitive about it cuz i just
feel like such an idiot, and then you always say " well Ann
i dont care if you are shy, and you are getting better and
i am sure one day you will be able to tell me how you
feel." but this is what i think - you DO care because we
have these conversations and then whenever we are together
you say "what"? with my very predictable answer of"nothing"
you always respond with "Nothing?????????" with big eyes
and it puts me on the sopt because i am too shy to say
anything other than "nothing" so we sit ther in silence
with me feeling like shit cuz i feel like i have left you
down yet again by telling you absolutely nothing. Cuz you
always get this face like " i cant believe she isn;t going
to say anything" and i just feel like crap. and an easy
solution for this is for me to just say something right?
well i really wish i could cuz then there would be no
problem. however i am clearly not ready to express my
feelings in words but i promise you that when i am you will
be the first person i tell.you see once again you can
say "I am sure you will tell me when you are ready" and i
am sure i will too. but its just everytime we are together
there is that dreaded "what?" and my dumbass answer
of "nothing" and then your responce of "nothing?????????"
and then the hurt look you get and me wanting to tear my
hair out just so i could say a few fricking words to you.
it kills me inside but i've never been comfortable saying
anything like that to anyone sonia, so please dont think
that it has anything to do with you. and the reason i
slammed the door was because i was frusterated and upset
with myself already, and what you said was just a last
reminder of the feeling. so i appologize for slamming the
door and i am so sorry if it made you feel like shit cuz
that is the last thing i want to do. so i have no idea when
this magical time will come when i can speak whats on my
mind and i'm really sorry that you have to wait till it
happends cuz you have waited long enough and i feel
terrible that you have to wait any longer cuz you shouldn;t
have to because if there is anything that you deserve to
know, its what i am feeling. i appologize again for
slamming the door. i was being an ass- and i appologize for
not being able to tell you this is person. but even if i
had gotten into it on the phone with you it wouldn't have
been a productive conversation since i was already feeling
shitty about dad and stuff. not that i would have been ablt
to talk about it any other night its just tonight was
especially bad. and i hat ending phone calles with you
like that because it leaves me with a bad feeling inside,
and i am positive it cants leave you overjoyed. so i also
appologize for that since it was my fault we ended on a bad
note. thank you for being the amazing person that you are,
and for loving me, and for being understanding, and most of
all, thank you for being patient, i am just sorry that you
have to be.
love you more than i can say
honestly
you mean so much to me and
i'm sorry for being such a retard
xoxo
-Ann




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