humming bird

my F***ed up head
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2002-05-14 20:53:33 (UTC)

what am i

oh my god i dont know if im happy or if im pissed or if im
hurt or what i am..... jason told sarah all this stuff like
he realized that he made a mistake and like he wants to be
friends with me and there r still feelings there and that
maybe in the fur=ture we could hook back up and like if
that whole thing with cos ever happened again he would be
so hurt and just al this stuff so now i dont know if i am
like happy that i might have another chance with him or
hurt an i mean i dont even know why i would be hurt but i
think i might be and i think i might be pissed to becuz i
dont want to waste any more time with him i mean
considering he may be moving it isntlike we have all the
time in the world or anything u know but we would have the
summer and i would love to just have the summer with him i
cant even imagine how happy i would be... i mean it would
be three months of pure happiness and i deserve pure
happiness and like he knows that i still care about him he
said he can tell and he isnt making this any easier on me
becuz he called me after school today to say that he does
want to be friends with me and that the only reason isnt
just becuz he wants to smoke... but so i am confused on how
i am spose to act i mean am i spose to like not do anything
with any guys until i know whether or not something is or
isnt gonna happen between us becuz technically right now we
arent anythin but then again thats just me being exactly
like hank again so forget it.. i can control myself i just
raelly hope that im not wasting my time and i am NOT
getting my hopes up becuz i can not afford that again...
but i just if i have a chance i know i dont want to screw
up again... i know i want to be with him still so badly and
i know that i could help him and i think he needs help...
he needs stability and soemone who will listen to him if he
needs to talk and if he just wants someone to be there and
not as questions just be there i would do that... i would
do anything for him.... you know that song by monice.... "i
will cross the ocean for you, i will go and bring you the
moon, i will be your hero your strength, anything you need,
i will be the sun in your sky i will light your way for all
time i promise you, for you i will"... i was thinking today
and sarah said he may move with his dad in michigan and all
i kept thinking is that that isnt good for him... like i
wasnt thinking it just becuz i dont want him to move but i
was thinking it becuz it really wouldnt be good for him,
his dad does care about him s much as a father should and
he doesnt know how to be a father and his dad smokes weed
which is exactly what jason needs to stop doing so how is
it gonna be for him to have a role model who does it but
yeh i gota go....... julz


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