pandora

i am a chemical soup

my head keeps going around in circles. i regret so much of
the past. i am afraid, i am happy, i want to hide. how
much of it is withdrawal? how much of it is really me?

i basically started becoming disillusioned with the whole
happiness concept thing the first time i started using
psychiatric drugs on a (relatively) long-term basis. that
was some 7 years ago, when i was 19. i had landed in the
hospital for an attempted suicide. fuck. that was so
embarrassing. that was the first time and the last time i
will ever try. unlike other people who do it, mine was
never a call-for-help sort of thing. i never intended to
wake up the next morning and have to deal with the shrinks,
my parents, my friends, or school again. now i have a
white X carved out into my left wrist as a souvenir.
unlike my other scars, i don't consider this one ugly,
although i try not to let other people see it until they
know me well. it's pale and a little bit raised and
crosses over my bluish-green veins. when it was newly
healed, it used to turn bloody red whenever i drank. it's
a nice scar, i think, for a scar.

but i digress. the reasons i would want to even kill myself i will
go into on another occasion. i realized after 6 months of prozac
(during which time i would spontaneously wake up at 6 in the morning,
singing), that you *can* sometimes get happiness out of a bottle.
and then after a while, i thought: wow, the last time i ever felt
like this in my whole life, i must have been under seven. no
unreasonable worrying, no hysterical upsets, no weird obssessions,
just peace. i even felt like initiating conversation with other
people... so this is what normality is like. i always knew i was
different, but i guess it never occured to me that my general state
of being was actually that radically different from other people.
different on the outside, so it follows that i'm different on the
inside. so what does it mean about the whole meaning of life
existentialist shibang? i started thinking it's all bullshit. maybe
it's all just a bio-chemical thing.