Mist

This mess of mine.
2001-06-07 07:36:33 (UTC)

Lets see if we cant unravel this mess... June 7th

This is a post by kev kev on the pumpkins board from last
night.
--------------------
Let's see if we can't unravel this mess........
Ok, I know there's been a lot of these types of posts
lately and that we're all getting sick of them. But the
people that I know in here are among some of the most
intelligent and perceptive I've ever had the priviledge to
kind of meet.
I'm currently in a VERY confusing place, a place I really
don't want to stay. I'm talking emotionally, physically,
mentally and spiritually here and seeing as my girlfriend
so blatantly posted about finding my suicide note on here
for all to see then I have no problem posting about all
this here, after all none of you know me in real life so we
don't have to worry about conflict. Ok here goes:

The other night I had decided to kill myself, now save me
the arguments about how selfish it is and how much I would
have hurt everyone around me because they are the same
arguments I use to stop people I know from doing the same.
All I can say is that I'd simply had enough and when you
reach that point, (only people who have been in such a
condition can truly know what I'm on about) there just does
seem to be no turning back. Everybody has a breaking point
where the outside world is all but forgotten, replaced only
by the pain of the moment, coupled with the pain of
everything else. The pain of the moment was a fight that I
had with someone I like to consider a fairly good friend,
not usually reason enough to kill yourself but that was
just the icing on the cake. To explain the cake I will have
to break it down into layers for you. (I hope you're not
bored already)

My best friend: For arguments sake we will call him
Bob...... actually scratch that I just won't name him.
This friend is my closest, we know more about eachother
than we probably know about ourselves. A small while back I
decided to quit drugs, which we had been doing for a number
of years and he didn't. Though when I say quit I really
mean have a break from and then cut down. I went through a
very long period of time where I partook of nothing drug-
like, but recently I have started to smoke weed again, this
time with a clear conscience and minus the paranoia.
(Please save me the drug talks, that's not the point here)
When I made this decision we lost contact for a while, but
being the close friends that we are we had a vague talk
about how we felt about it and then just picked back up
where we left off when we finally did start seeing
eachother again. This is the extent and power of our
friendship. But recently this friend tried to kill himself,
twice in a matter of days as I understand it. Naturally I
invited him over to my house to have a rest for as long as
he needed and he did. I'm hoping that I helped somewhat and
at the risk of sounding conceited I think I did. But
despite that fact, it was a very stressful experience,
we're still not totally sure he's ok. This is stress number
one.

My new friend: Again I won't name him. This friend has
recently had troubles with a partner who is struggling to
recover from heroin addiction and as you could imagine it's
taking it's toll on him having to watch this person every
day. So I try to look out for him as much as possible and
make sure he's ok. There was also recently a discovery of
something too horrendous to recount on here to do with his
partner, but let's just say that death is now a factor he
has to worry about, I won't say who's. He wants to kill
himself as well. I really feel for this person, I could see
us becoming nothing but closer in our friendship, but
nonetheless this is stress number two.

My Girlfriend: I have to word this right, she takes a lot
of things the wrong way and she does come on here, so
she'll most likely see this. We argue, as do all couples
but in a very unsettlingly different way. It's very hard to
put into words. We get frustrated at eachother, it builds
up anywhere from a couple of hours to a coule of weeks, we
have it out, nothing gets said in terms of a solution and
then we go about our day. Things that do get solved are,
for the most part, replaced by some new problem, (usually
worse) but mostly nothing is resolved. The conversation
ends as you would expect it to if there was a solution to
the problem at hand, but there never is one so things are
left up in the air. Naturally you can see how this is a
timebomb for us both. Anyway now comes the really touchy
topic: Her problems. Now don't get me wrong here, I love
this girl to death, more than I had ever thought I would
love anyone, but unfortunately this is seeming less and
less like something that could hold us together permanently
if nothing fixes itself in terms of these problems. The way
people come to me with things that she has said can either
serve to frustrate me immensely or push me further down.
She tells the whole truth, it's just the way that she puts
it across that makes me seem..... like the bad guy to be
totally honest. I know that it would just seem like I'm
being biased, but believe me by the time what she's said
gets back to me it's far from the truth. I don't even think
that she does it intentionally, I've said that to her, but
it's the way it happens. Then there's the fact that there
is always something wrong with her. She's always sick,
always down about something and always pissed off or upset
with someone. Now I know that this is natural in a sense,
but she makes no effort to pull herself out of it and I am
slowly moving closer to the only possible conclusion that
can be fathomed after all other possibilites are exhausted:
she needs problems. She needs something to be upset about,
she doesn't create problems persay, just builds them up to
much larger things. As with anyone else who you would put
this to does, she denies it to the ground, but I truly
think that if she was completely honest with herself she
would know this is how it is. I could be wrong, there's
always that chance, but I really don't think I am and
neither does anyone else who has seen it happening. These
are the main three things, there are so many more, but I
won't explain them all because I'd be here forever. I know
what an asshole I must seem like, on here bitching about my
girlfriend but writing all this is helping me a lot (just
to get it out) and I need outside input. I love her so
much, I don't want to leave her, but I don't know what else
to do, none of this is getting fixed and coupled with
everything else that's going on in my head/life at the
moment I just don't know if I can handle what is
essentially turning out to be more stress. She has also
said to me a couple of times that if I left her she would
kill herself. This is stress number three.

My house: Ghosts, energies that depress anyone who walks in
the door, overdue bills, room mates fighting, landlords
watching, neighbours complaining and too small a living
space for four people. I don't know if any of you read my
post under my old name about the ghost in my house but we
have one and she doesn't like the fact that I have a
girlfriend. We've been meaning to have someone around to
talk to it for ages but it just never seems to happen.
There's also a very bad vibe about the place, nearly
everyone who's come around says that they feel it as soon
as they walk in the door. I live in this place with three
other people (my girlfriend included) and add to that the
fact that our neighbours are not very happy with our noise
levels or the amount of people that are always coming over
then you have one very stressful situation, even without
the debts to people we owe bills to etc. My room mates are
also rather unhappy at the moment and I try to be there for
them as much as possible, but again it's stressful, I've
had to put my problems aside for everyone else for too long
and I don't have small problems, I've posted about them
before under my old username. These are the small colletive
stresses that make up stress number four.

Myself: Oh my god, where do I begin? I'm currently having a
bit of a headfuck. I wake up every day and feel like I'm
dreaming. Nothing seems real. This fuzziness in my head
clouds up my thought, my perception and generally fucks up
my day. I've been walking around in this dreamland for
around about six months give or take a bit. Now that's just
the physical/mental part of how I feel at the moment. The
physical/spiritual part is much worse, ESPECIALLY
considering the part I just explained, it just makes it
that much more hard. I get this feeling on a sporadic
basis, I start to freak out as though something very bad is
about to happen, something very, very bad. It's this
uncontrollable sense of foreboding like it's going to be
hideous. (Whatever it is that it seems is going to happen)
The reason I say that this is spiritual is because one
night, not so long ago (A month or so, maybe two) I had an
experience that just fucked me in the head ten times more
than I already was. I was laying on my bed because I had
started to freak out and it started. Picture this: Your
body is being ripped apart, but in a half physical, half
spiritual sense. In the spiritual sense it feels like your
soul is being ripped from my body, in the physical sense it
feels like you're being torn apart at a molecular level.
You don't know what the fuck is really happening but that's
what it feels like. You have the unmistakable sense that
you are headed somewhere, whether that be into death, into
a coma or into another dimension you don't know, but the
scary thing is that it most feels like the latter. You feel
as though you are being torn from this existence and are
about to wake up somewhere else, this life was perhaps just
a dream. You also catch sight (in a way) of a dark figure,
most likely male, who is somehow linked to this. You then
somehow find your way back to reality and just sit there,
in disbelief, unaware of how long that just took to happen
or even where you are. (the latter for just a second)

I am still no closer, not one bit closer to knowing what
the fuck it was that happened to me. Numerous people have
said different things such as "Go see a psychiatrist"
or "You're psychic in a way that picks up on peoples
feelings and you picked up on how the ghost felt" (which
does seem to make a lots of sense, a ghost feeling torn
between worlds) but really there is no possible way to know
what the hell is happening to me, no proof. Now add this to
the fact that I am STILL dealing with some pretty
horrifying stuff that happened to me as a child (sexual,
mental, physical abuse etc) and you have the biggest stress
of them all, stress number five. However, this stress
barely gets attention at the moment because I'm trying to
be there for everyone else and I keep having to put all
this aside! Not even a year ago I was in a place of perfect
peace, I was happy with myself, I had peace within, I was
content with my life and where it was headed and now all I
seem to be able to feel is lost!!!!!!!! I don't even know
at what point this either started to or did happen to me! I
have started to formulate a way out of this..... well at
least to try to. But I am still in the midst of it all and
here I am two hours later not even able to remember why I
was writing this. I guess I would like input, but then no
input so far has been able to help. You people are smart
and think at least somewhat like I do so you should be able
to help more than most but I still just don't know. Well
despite that it has felt good to write all this out, I hope
that some of you made it to the end of this post and that
people don't want to flame me for this. I just wanted to
post the definitive post on how I am at the moment, instead
of the sporadic posts on this and that I have been writing,
resulting in sporadic answers that are hard to put
together. I want my peace back, I want to remember how I
got to it in the first place and I want to know how to go
about that..........

Sorry for rambling.

-Dream = Reality = Forever
(For he who dares dream himself into reality will not be
forgotten)
Send us art in any form ---- www.revolutiontoday.cjb.net
I was Decadence, now I'm more concerned with what's good
for me.

[This message was edited by Truths Obsessant on 06-06-01 at
05:12 AM.]