ThatMaskedMan

Not applicable
2002-05-14 05:50:04 (UTC)

May 13, 2002

Monday the 13th...somehow I find that to be more evil
than Friday the 13th.

Anyways, welcome to Late Night with Ricardo. I'm your
host with the most in the little shop of horrors I like to
call the inner sanctum of my mind. Tonight's fun topic is
the same as usual: what the fuck am I doing with my life?

It starts with Jen and my continuing friendship with
her. Within me I feel a perpetually burning conflict: the
seductiveness of just letting it all go to hell and the
moral viewpoint that everyone deserves a second chance
(provided that they want it). I mean, it would just be so
easy to tell her off or even just let things go without a
word. Literally, I'd be saying, "Why am I wasting my time
on you?" What do I have to gain? My family thinks that
friendship is a horrendous idea; that I should just forget
about it and let her fade from my life. I have to lie
about when I want to go see Jen because I know what I would
have to hear again.

But I understand that if I fucked up, I would want a
second chance. I know that Jen was confused, and she made
a series of bad choices. I would want forgiveness, too.
I've lost friends because of mistakes I've made, and no one
tries to understand me; they nurse their pain and let their
spite grow in the darkness of revenge. I understand, also,
their viewpoint: Since I thrust the knife in their back,
how can I expect sympathy? Just because it was an accident
doesn't lessen the pain or wipe away the deed. I'm not
sure I deserve a second chance, but I know I would want
one. That's just it, we want a safeguard to our actions.
We want a second chance for everything, a rewind/erase
button to life, or at least a do-over.

She let me read her diary. It was then I realized that I
fell in love with the wrong person. I loved the image that
she showed: the happy-go-lucky, sober, sexy girl, oblivious
of the confused, dark side of her. Hell, I didn't even
know it existed. That's why I was so surprised. She says
she wants to change, and I know she's trying. She's trying
so hard. My father tells me that people don't change. I
want her to prove me wrong.

The "bad boy"/"bad girl" images are so attractive, aren't
they?

"Demons will charm you with a smile, for a while, but, in
time, nothing's gonna harm you, not while I'm around."
- from the song "Nothing's Gonna Harm You" from the
musical "Sweeny Todd, the Demon Barber of Fleet Street"

We romanticize the no-holds-barred, living-on-the-edge
lifestyle, but how many of us realize that the cost is a
complete loss of self respect? That for every "evil" thing
you do, you are simply satisfying an insecurity, and thus
feeding more fuel to the fire? If the next day I wake up
and sleep with 10 girls, I could be America's national
hero, but I've cheapened the value of my love. I'm not in
touch with my sexuality, I'm in touch with my basic
instinct: the other sex exists solely to fulfill my sexual
desires. If I seek revenge on everyone who hurts me, I
could be deemed the most practical man on earth, but I
don't have enough decency to forgive. I have retroactively
evolved, becoming no better than the apes in the
rainforest. It's never easy to balance what is right with
what feels good, is it? We don't want to work for
anything, we want instant gratification. We want the cheap
thrills, and worry about the rationalization and virtues
later.

Man's defining characteristic is his rational thought.
For all our technology and our intelligent manifestoes, we
are illiterate and uneducated peasants, protesting for a
cause we don't fully comprehend. We harangue entire crowds
on bullshit; rebellious from the waist down and lacking the
ability to visualize real change. After thousands of years
of existence, when do we finally wake up? When is it that
we recognize how precious life is, and how we should work
to facilitate each other's existence? By the natural
course of life there are people you will trample, but
instead of keeping your eyes glued to the path you walk,
look the future full in the face. There are over 6 billion
people in this world, and by constantly competing with each
other we will never accomplish anything.

I don't care what you say, Marianna (my sister), mom, or
dad. I'm staying by Jen. If there is something that I
learned from my AP Computer Science exam it's this: A true
man's test of strength is when he life no longer is
simple. When the odds tower over him, and doubt fills his
mind, the strong will persevere and fight the current.

I write this entry a half-hour after returning from a
diner with Marianna and her friend, Zan. I have 4 cups of
coffee racing through my arteries, I stink of cigarettes,
I'm still overtired from lack of good sleep, and I have my
AP Physics exam tomorrow. It's all calculus-based
physics. The odds are stacked against me; I love
challenges.

On that note I want to put down the only poem (I guess
it's a poem) that I ever wrote:


I look at the world, and I see it: challenge
Everywhere I go, something challenges me, preturbs me,
tries to drag me down.
More often than not, it is another person, another human.

They throw their insults, display their imposing egos,
try to scare me, make me back down,
conform me to their will.

But I don't care, I've got an impenetrable defense.
I let it slide. I don't care.
It happens and I think nothing of it.
Yet I ask..."Why? What have I done?"

They continue their challenges, set up their obstacles.
I don't have to jump or dodge, I barrel right through them,
without a scratch...
but still the voice:

Who the hell do you think you are?!
What right do you have to try to destroy me?!
I do not recognize your authority!
I do not recognize your so-called power,
your supposed intellect, and self-given status!
You have no control over me! I resent your stubbornness!
I am invincible, I refuse to change,
I am what you aren't, and that makes me stronger!

You want to take me down? You want to destroy all that is
me?
GO RIGHT AHEAD! You destroy me and you make me a martyr!
I have more power in dying for my beliefs than you ever
will!
I will never bend to your will, for I am a rogue!

I AM A REBEL!

But the price I pay...
to be outcast as rude, obnoxious, uncooperative.
Hated for my strength, shunned for my power,
unrecognized for my achievements.
I feel the pain, of being alone, disconnected,
thrust behind the glass and forced to watch.
Oh how I want to be a part of them, to have a sense of
belonging!

And I try. I become a hypocrite. I give in.
Oh, but the hatred is too strong.
I yearn to be me, and no one else!

I REBEL ONCE AGAIN!

Behind the glass, eyes held open, remote, disconnected.

Ah ha! But I win again! I have found my belonging!
Other rebels, are with me, behind the glass!
I feel the strength return, I can resist once more, and win!

You want to challenge me? Fine!
It doesn't matter where I stand,
I stand.
I will destroy the glass pane, and make them see it my way!
I will show them my truth,
earn my respect through my argument.

But for now...I watch, I infiltrate slowly,
I rebel little by little.

A silent revolution: and I,
I who am invincible, I who feel the power...
I thirst for a challenge.


The last person I showed this to got freaked out. I am
not afraid of what I thought, nor do I think it has changed
now. I read once that the name "Ricardo"
means "stubborn." Hence, I am a mule.

-Ricardo-




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