PISSED

rude awakening
2002-05-14 04:05:27 (UTC)

A revelation to make my life..

A revelation to make my life 100 times easier...you can
love someone but that doesnt mean you have to trust them.
You dont have to trust anyone but yourself. Maybe this was
hard to actualize because so many times loyalty has been
forced upon me and ive been maniuplated into it.Like the
relationship with my mother.
also I have an unhealthy relationship with some others and
authority figures.
So the best of both worlds you can love but you dont
Je was always trying to get me to trust 100% and wanted my
loyalty and that was why it was hard everytime I'd trust
him and then he'd let me down. So i decided to reject him
altogether and never even speak to him because he asks too
much of me and he wont accept anything less than 100%.

Maybe these people dont know how they let you down or they
forget that they let you down and forget how they hurt
you. Im not even going to tell them that i dont trust them
or theyll be offended like T was.He didnt speak to me for
a while and was so hurt he said because I said I didnt
trust him. Obviously he forgot that he had told me some
lies about what school he went to and possibly about his
name and lets not forget that he ended what i thought was
a nice friendship. If he didnt like the romance part which
he was trying to push he didnt have to say anything we
could have just gone on being friends that flirt.I didnt
ask for him to never see anyone or never have sex w/ other
people or something. I didnt ask for a commitment. He
would tell me how his dates were etc it was all so nice.
Obviously we werent exclusive and he didnt have to break
it off because there was nothing to break off we didnt
have a relationship we had a friendship. So really what
ended up happening was that I got rejected and hurt over
nothing just because he wasnt having his way and I couldnt
travel yet. And now he comes back and wants to me laugh
like I used to. I love you I mean I miss you..I loved the
sound of your laughter why arent you laughing like before.
It remindsed me so much of another place another time...

Maybe I'm inscompetent socially that I have to write this
shit down to remember it when other people seem to manage
just fine. Well I'm different and i need all these checks
and balances to keep me being ok, I cant even relate to
the neighbors. Maybe I can relate to this new guy but I
wouldn't expect even that. Im beginning to distrust these
guys that come and seek me out. They say they are
interested but have mysterious behavior.
Because I honestly dont know what is going on in their
mind. Maybe I should only stick to the ones I find.

I liked Jo....I miss him I guess I should find out if we
could/should be together before i get involved w/ anyone
else like him.
I

more moodier than usual as if thats possible. :'(
need to find a new dream something to chase again to keep
the boredom and sadness away




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