Head ache
2001-06-07 04:14:30 (UTC)

matt and guys and parents in general

I don't know what to do with myself. Matt makes me crazy
and I finally decided to unblock him tonight. But he
wasn't on and now I'm all worried, because he doesn't know
how to talk to me. He just gets pissed and says that I and
making HIM feel like shit, when he is the one who deserted
me. He is hte one who stopped calling and he is the one
who stopped coming to see me, and writing me email. WHat
is the worst part is that he is the one who stopped telling
me he loved me, and he is the one who doesn't seem to care
that we have not seen eachother in 4 months. That's too
long. All I can say is that I hope he shows up randomly to
visit, but at the same time I wish to never talk to him
again. I don't know what to do!!!!!! I just can't stop
being mad.
Secondly, I really need to go see Aaron this summer... but
then what am I going to do? Fall in love with another
person who lives forever away from me? It won't work, its
a horrible concept. But I really do want to see him, and I
defintiely need to get away this summer. I cannot just
stay here in this house and be corrupted by my parents and
by the nothingness that they harvest. I almost with I
could go live in some foster home with some people who
would take real care of me. I am so sick of the drugs and
the attitude and the ups and downs, its making me
completely fucking insane. I cannot take someone breaking
my door, crying and flipping out because I rolled my eyes,
and coming home drunk to belittle my every move every day
of my life. I cannot take it at all. All I do is try in
school at least to the best of my abilities. And then I
avoid social pressures, and I come home and I'm stuck here,
and what can I do? Close my door so my parents don't get
me stoned? Turn up my music so I can't hear the constant
screaming? Lock my door so that I can't be punished for a
mess caused by the wash she doesn't do, when she doens't
even have any other job or obligations? Should I cover my
ears when my dad tells me he's going to break the door with
my head if I lock it again, to attempt escape for even an
hour? I can't ignore it anymore. The older I get, the
more I realize that it shouldn't be like this, and the more
hopeless I am in thinking that nothing will ever change,
and the more I cry myself to sleep half of the week because
I can't deal. I feel like I need to tell someone, I don't