My Thoughts and Feelings
2001-06-07 03:07:22 (UTC)

Same shit, just a new day!!

Hey, It's been quite awhile since I last wrote. But anyway
all that stuff is in the past, now I'll try to get on with
the present. Right now things are going okay. Which is a
HUGE change from the past week. I have felt as though I
was having a nervous breakdown! It's just that all these
emotions and thoughts inside my head are now starting to
get to me. It's as if all of a sudden I have developed a
conscious. I could not stop thinking of all these various
thoughts. I think it might because Brandon tries to get me
to open up and talk to him and I do. I've never had anyone
I wanted to talk to about anything, so I guess it was just
easier to put my thoughts and feelings in the back of my
mind and not think of them again. Now I can't seem to
stop. It's as if he's opened up a neverending flood of
emotions. I haven't quite decided if that should be a good
thing. You know he actually made me cry yesterday. I made
a huge mistake, that not only affected me, but my whole
company. Well, Brandon pulled me to the side and talked to
me about it and tried to correct me. I took it personally
(like I do everything) and got UPSET!!! He left
immediately after our "talk" so he never knew how I felt.
But then I realized it's not him I should be upset at, it's
me. I messed up, I made the mistake, I made our company
lose points. I just had a hard time dealing with the fact
that I'm not perfect and I let everyone know. I hide
behind this "ms. perfect" mask that I can't seem to take
off. I think I have to be a certain way or people won't
like me. When in reality it's that same "certain way" that
has caused me so much pain over time. When you have only
one person in which you tell things to, when they are the
ones who cause you grief, who do you turn to? I also need
a way to let out my anger and frustrations. The only thing
I do now is cry to let it out, but it doesn't seem enough.
I also have told everyone that I don't want to fall in
love. That's a big lie. Eveytime I hear a love song, it
makes me wish I had someone to care for like that, and with
it comes the fear I might not ever find the right guy for
me. People say "You just Know" Well, I think that's a
lie. I've thought I've just known twice and still
nothing. It's been so long since I've actually felt TRUE
love (not infatuation) I'm not sure if I would know it if I
did. Anyway, I have to go for now. I will try to write
later. Until then......................................