Lost and Searching
2002-05-12 19:16:54 (UTC)

Nightmares Keep Coming Back

I never really miss what I can't have but there are days
that all I want to do is cry...Even in my dreams, things
are just beyond my reach, and I don't know exactly what I
am reaching out for...Something is holding my chest down,
and my arms and fingertips are outstretched and through the
fog I see something, just for a second, blurry, not every
clearing making out what it is.....Even if they can fix me,
I have been told that my life would have to be stress free,
and any phyical labor could be taxing...So basically
telling me that I can no longer want for anything...This
has changed my whole being entirely...I have a temper, a
mind, I used to do college sports, lift weights, and pine
away for the man I would marry...One of the biggest dreams,
accomplishments, goals, whatever you would call it, was to
have children. Three of them....Some precious part of me
knowing that i had passed something one, there would be a
part of me that would last forever and continuing
living...And now I know that it can never be..

What I think kills me the most is that I don't have someone
who could hold me through the nights or after I wake up
from a nightmare in a cold sweat...My family is great don't
get me wrong, even they don't all know what is going on
with me...but they are not much comfort when, in the middle
of the night I am all alone...I wonder if that is what
death is like..Being in the dark with no one....