Blue_dove

My screwed up life.
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2002-05-12 18:47:26 (UTC)

hurting

I am having a little easier time today. Yesterday I cried
all day. If I think about yesterday I will cry again. I
promised not to have any contact with Bret. I did write him
a letter telling him not to call or write. It broke my
heart. I am very confused about my feelings and why I am
doing what I am doing. Why am I hurting someone I love very
much to be with someone I love as a friend. I wish I could
be happy. I didn't like the way Trent yelled at me
yesterday but he did make me realize how really horrible
the things I did were. He has done alot of bad, mean things
too but nothing even close to being as bad as what I did. I
look at him and try to imagine being intimate with him
again and just can't. All I think about is being with Bret.
I wasnt to feel his arms around me so badly. And I am
suppose to forget him and be happy. I don't think thats
possible right now. I got new pajamas today. I can't sleep
in flannel all summer but I don't want to encourage
anything. I could never wear pajamas before so I am being a
little stubborn adn will wear them from now on. I feel like
my life is on hold for 6 months. I wish life were easier. I
am so very tired. Trent is trying so hard to be good and I
am not. Why am I so against working on our marriage? I
think I have just had enough and can't go back. I see my
future with someone else. Someone I am not afraid of.
Someone I can tell my opinion to and have him listen.
Someone I can say anything to without the fear. I want
friends and fun in my life.


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