Just a guy

Logic of the Insane
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2002-05-12 12:59:40 (UTC)

An Interesting Weekend.

Let me start at the beginning. Yesterday(Friday), I got a
response from Shelly. I couldn’t open it at first, so I
tried to “pump myself up” for it. I finally opened it, but
I could only read the first 2 paragraphs. I minimized it
and began working myself up again. I finally was able to
achieve a state of mind where nothing was ever said between
Shelly and I about how I feel. Well, I read up until the
first sentence of the fourth paragraph, she said, straight
out, “this is not a rejection.” My heart began to race and
I read through the rest of the letter. I was in a mood, and
experiencing a feeling that I had never felt before. Almost
a new level of happiness. A happiness that made me
oblivious to anything else, all I could think about was
I had run the scenario thousands of times through my
head: I am sitting across from Shelly, having just
completed my tale. Then, she said a very nice and gentle no
and I smiled and hugged her, while I was dying inside. But
every time, it had ended with a rejection. I had never
pictured her saying “yes,” or even “maybe.” It is not like
she said yes, she said that she didn’t know and that she
needed time to think. I can relate, it took me almost a
year to be ready, and I don’t expect any less from her. I
hope it doesn’t take that long, but if she needs that much
time, then she will get that much time, and even more if
she needs it. How could I do any differently?
After reading that, I went to the school for the play.
And everyone reacted, in different ways, to my happiness.
Some actually felt better because of how happy I was, and
still others were so bothered by my happiness that they
spent the entire night trying to upset me. They insulted my
acting, my appearance, my family, they even resorted to
physical violence. But nothing worked. All I could think of
was Shelly. The play went terribly, lines were missed,
songs were screwed up, and the stage-kiss between Katherine
(Maria) and I was so obviously fake that the audience burst
into laughter. I can’t blame them, even I wanted to laugh.
I didn’t care, I was riding cloud nine. My medication began
to wear off during intermission, I was feeling miserable,
but again, I didn’t care about anything else. . .
The night ended with little more than nothing happening.
The next morning, I woke up at about 11:45 or so. And went
online. . .I wanted to send her an e-mail or call her or
something, but she said she needed time, so I decided to
give her space and time, but I am going to send her an e-
mail tomorrow.
We have the same feeling about a relationship, I am
terrified too. The whole girlfriend/boyfriend thing, and
the first kiss. It is all so overwhelming and confusing.
That is why we both need/needed time to figure things out.
It takes a lot to get me nervous, but this does it so
easily. Love is such a tricky thing. There is a lot of
emphasis about what other people would think. And Shelly
once told me that it doesn’t matter what people think, they
probably don’t even care. She’s right. Last year, before I
realized that my feelings for Shelly were genuine, Trino
and I would “compete” over her. I was just messing around,
but I think that Trino was as serious that he can be about
a girl. Anyway, around the end of last year, by the time I
became serious about Shelly, he “gave up” and started
saying that we had no chance with her. He said that she is
too good for me. And he has been saying that ever since.
I went to the auditorium today, and I was in an even
better mood, because it was closing night. Shelly was going
to be there, and I was going to do extra good for her and
her family. Katherine came up to me and said that she had
been talking to her mother about the kiss the night before.
And they had decided that we should really kiss. . . I
panicked. I didn’t want to do it, and Katherine hadn’t
wanted to until now. I didn’t know what to do, I was alone
on the fight now. The first thing I thought was Shelly, if
this relationship goes anywhere, I want my first kiss to be
with her, and I am sure that she would want the same. So I
told Katherine that I would think about it and ran upstairs
to the phone. I picked it up and started dialing Shelly’s
number. I was going to ask her if a real-stage-kiss counted
as a first kiss, but I answered myself, “a kiss is a kiss.”
and hung up the phone. I didn’t know what to do, so I went
to Gloria. She told me that a real kiss that isn’t sincere
looks even worse than a bad stage-kiss. So I reported this
to Katherine and we decided to simply practice the kiss
before we went on stage to do it.
It was the best show out of the entire run, we had a
great audience, and everyone did such a great job. I am
kind of sad to see the show go now. . .But anyway, Shelly
said in her e-mail to not act any differently after the
show. To just pretend like nothing had ever happened, and
to save the confusing stuff for another day. She came up to
me and gave me a hug and I held her a little tighter and a
little longer than usual, but after she just kind of
drifted away. She really did act like nothing had happened,
a little too well. I felt like she didn’t want to be around
me, like she was avoiding me. I don’t know, I could be
wrong. . .hmmmmm, I wonder.
I was kind of saddened for a while after this. Then, I
found out that my favorite teacher, who promised to come
see the show today, didn’t come. She didn’t even see it at
all. So I got into an even worse mood. And to top it all,
we struck the set. . .we tore it all apart and the show was
officially over. It was so depressing. But I got to talk to
my new friend, Jessica. No, not that Jessica, another one.
She is really cool. She reminds me of . . .I don’t know,
all I know is that I enjoy spending time with her. She is
fun to talk to. And she really likes chorizo. So she
cheered me up a little bit. I am kind of confused about
Shelly though. . .I don’t know if she is avoiding me, or if
she is uncomfortable with me now. This is what I feared. I
only hope we can talk soon. Gosh! It is already 5:42am on
Sunday. I took a long time typing this. But I guess it is
really long. So it is okay. I didn’t get home until 3
Well, I guess that is it for now. I will e-mail Shelly
later. I hope she is okay. She looked really good tonight,
but she didn’t say much to me. My aunt wanted to take a
picture of the two of us. . .I wonder why, I haven’t told
her anything. But she is always trying to get me together
with someone or another. What a coincidence, huh? I
declined because I didn’t think that Shelly would be
comfortable with it. Hmmmmmmmm. Till next time.

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