pandora

pandora's box
2001-06-06 12:44:31 (UTC)

my secret life

so here i am and here's my first entry. i wanted a place where i
could say anything i wanted without fear of being judged by anyone i
know. i say anyone i know because at the same time as not wanting to
be judged, i also want people to know about me, know about my whole
life and tell me they think it's a complete load of crap if it's
true. i have these weird exhibitionist urges in me, maybe because so
much of my life has been in the dark for so long. so far my life has
been surreal... a long time ago when i was in high school and
desperately lonely and convinced that nothing would ever happen to
me, i wished my life would turn into a movie. i wanted the aliens to
come get me, i wanted to be saved by a time machine, hollywood-
style. now i have my wish. my life has turned strange corners, but
i'm not sure i'm too happy with all the excitement.

i have a lot of time to reflect on everything that's happened to me
now because i have basically been hiding out from society for 5
months, not really leaving the house. the reason: i've been
detoxing from klonopin and have been in benzo withdrawal hell for a
while. i officially ended a semi- abusive 5 year relationship with
my ex via a long-distance phone call a couple of weeks ago. am
relieved but feel cruel.

i feel lost. i'm 26, but mentally speaking am probably still an
adolescent. i don't feel especially bad today, but in general feel
habitually empty.