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2002-05-11 06:13:00 (UTC)

I'm an idiot...

I can't believe it. I had a panic attack...I am this
close to losing my scholarship. I didn't even make one A
this semester! I hate myself. I can't believe I could be so
stupid. I'm going to be on academic probation. It's
something where you work your ass off and hope that you can
bring up your gpa. If you don't bring it up to what it's
supposed to be-in my case, a 3.0-you lose your scholarship.
I don't have a job. My family can't afford the tuition. If
I can't pay, I can't go to school. This semester's been
awful...my grandma died, and I missed nearly two weeks of
class because I laid in the bed crying. But the worst thing
is, I just didn't care...I smoked pot all the time, was
hung over till noon just about every day, all the usual
stuff. I went to upper level honors classes stoned. That
means that I'll have a 2.875 cum. gpa...I need to make *at
least* a 3.25 next semester. All my classes are hard...I
can't party at all. This is just one more reason why I'm
depressed as hell, on top of all the usual stuff.
The usual stuff doesn't even matter anymore, when it
comes to grades. Relationships, friends, fun...that stuff's
not important at all. I can't have friends if I'm not here
at the University, and if I party and hang out all the
time, I'm not going to be here. It's that simple. I have to
get over being so depressed...if I just work harder instead
of moping about all the time, than things will be better.
I'll be ok...I'm not afraid of anything, except for myself.
Speaking of which, I've got a psychiatrist appointment
Wednsday. I'm scared because they're going to put me on
anti depressants...that would be better than being suicidal
and gloomy all the time, I guess, but it changes you.
Prozac is legal cocaine. But then again, I wouldn't mind
some coke now, either. It won't be that bad. Maybe it'll
make me feel better. I'm at least going to try it out.