camicazy

moments in life

my mind's filled. i wanna write about something but i don't
know what.

i wanna write about how i saw this guy put his arm around a
girl during a photo shoot and the things that i felt. i
wanna write about how i saw two people holding hands, about
how the girl waved at me and how the guy just looked at me.

i wanna write about how two australian guys stared at me
with their dark eyes. about how another guy tried to strike
up a conversation with me. about how a guy honked when his
car passed by me and he turned to look at me and he smiled.

i wanna write about how my knees ached while i knelt on the
floor, typing codes away for a classmate. i wanna write
about how the drama teacher praised me. i wanna write about
how i was called 'the maestro of reason'. i wanna write
about how somebody said i was one of the few people who
really know what is and what isn't.

and yes i wanna write about how this guy said i was ugly.
about how i was called a dumbass. about how somebody said i
was destroying my sister. i wanna write about people who
compared me to my sisters. about how this guy said he
couldn't believe his cousin liked me cuz who in their right
mind would fall for a girl like me...a girl who looks like
me.

i wanna write about how i used to hurt myself. how i cut in
silence across my arms. how i burned my fingertips with
fire. how i took a large amount of sleeping pills and
swallowed them. how i held a knife to my wrists and saw my
mind fill with black and red.

i wanna write about how i cried in school and how people
mistook it for weakness and cowardice. but it wasn't
weakness and cowardice that welled up in me. it was rage.
anger. fire. the desire to avenge and destroy. it shook me
to the core.

i wanna write about how somebody said my writings scare
him. i wanna write about how i was mocked and called 'one
night stand' material. i wanna write about how i was loved
and hated, admired and detested, respected and abused.

today has been an okay day. i am all right...but the people
around me are not. we are all connected. destroy this bond
and everything falls to ruin. a great man named william
shakespeare apparently agrees with me.

life moments. so different and yet the same. today is an
okay day.