Just a guy

Logic of the Insane
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2002-05-10 06:52:15 (UTC)

Regret and nerves.

God. I have done it. I sent the e-mail at 12:3?am today,
and she read it at 5:37pm today. Man. . .what have I done?
I signed on at about that time, and she was online. I got
scared, and signed off. Then, I did it again a couple of
hours ago. I am a loser! What have I done? I can’t even be
online if she is now, and I can’t check my e-mail. God! I
am so nervous and I don’t even know if she has started
reading the entries yet. . .Yet, I wonder because each time
I have signed on, and then signed off, and then on again,
she has signed off in those few minutes that I was off.
Ever since I sent it, I have been preparing myself for
rejection. I have been spinning every possible scenario
that could occur. “I am too young.” I hope she doesn’t say
that, because I don’t think that is a good excuse. That
shouldn’t matter unless it is a huge difference, like 60
and 19, but even then, who am I to put boundaries on
love? “She is in college, I am in High School.” That might
be considered valid reasoning. It is difficult to have a
relationship with someone who isn’t there
everyday. . .especially when one of the two is as beautiful
as Shelly. “She is not ready for a relationship.” Again, I
can’t argue with that one. And then I even started thinking
of things that I could never see Shelly saying to anyone.
Mean things. But that is not Shelly. . .

me. . .AgggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhAGhhhhhhaghaaahAGhhaaggh

Sorry, that had to be done. Jerry has been telling me to
counter the bad thoughts that I have with something
positive. But I can usually only see the negative in
myself. It is funny, I am a hypocrite. I tell others not to
do something, and then I do it. There I go again, seeing
the bad.
Well, maybe I can check my e-mail tomorrow. . .Till next

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