...got the itch again...
I'm going to kill myself...I know this...it's a matter of
time but within a year I will be dead.
Right now I feel like ripping myself apart and lay on my
bed staring at the wall untill a kalidescope of Hell
Wanna hear something pathetic? On my computer desk I have a
steak knife (when I need to see blood) and dull knife (for
pain and diciplin) and a blade for when I'm feelin coooky
also antibiotic and bandaids.
I collected this stuff without thinking about it...this is
the first time I've ever actually stopped and realized that
I collect things to cut and I am smuggling knives into my
room regularly....I have a selection of cutting
I also have suicide notes (again, a variety) bags for when
I want to bring my dinner in my room to pretend I'm eating
it and put it in a bag under the bed till I can throw it
Let's not forget the collection of needles I have on my
night stand next to my lamp. Those are special though...I
don't use them often, only when I wanna burn or pierce
(that need doesn't come often but when it does I HAVE to do
it....it's a bigger pull then cutting) or to place many
many dots along my flesh.
Hmmm maybe I should go back to the pychologist....cos it is
getting pretty bad....but I can't cos then she'll want me
to not kill myself and make me eat and make me go back on
I really don't wanna be on that shit anymore...I have a
thing where I can't get myself to take a pill EVERY day...I
hardly take pills anyway....I only take diet pills when I'm
having a bad week.
Is my writing style becomming less ummmmm organized? I'm
pissing myself off...I'm not writing in the style I usually
do...I'm normally more cynicall.....
Well...I just suck...maybe tommorow I'll be able to write