No Excuses

Pillow Of Your Bones
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2002-05-10 01:27:40 (UTC)

Happy now?

'u had the best but u gave her up bc dependency might
interrupt idealistic will so hard to plz put ur indecisive
mind at ease u broke the set now theres theres only singles
theres no lookin back and this time i mean it are u happy
now? tell me how ur happy now are u happy? the uncertainty
u had of me brought clouded shaded company but tenderness
habitual a seldom fading ritual'

hmm...good song...really relatable. its been on repeat in
my cd player all day. *sigh*

my life sucks.

i took that convo out of the previous entry. if u read
it...gah. idk...i hate ppl knowing how i feel. i feel so
dumb after i tell ppl stuff. well not ryan laura and mare
bc i know they dont judge me like that but everyone
else...all u...u suck.

well u should all be happy. i finally made a decision for
myself. b4 1st i decided i dont wanna be with john. its
hard to explain. 'if u feel u just might want me thats too
bad im not that easy' i guess that works huh? its just...
hes immature. hes used to those lil f'n middle school
relationships where u go out with someone for a coupla
weeks then a few weeks later u go out again. thats not what
i wanted. thats not what he said he wanted. he lied so much.
plus hes just an asshole.

joes back :-). he had oss for 10 days and i had noone to
walk to 1st with. lol...hes an ass but hes cool. managed to
make me laugh while calling me a monkey and f'n up my hair.

in 4th (ROTC) they played a slide show. it was pretty
sad. i didnt do many of the activities this yr. they had 1
pic of me. i was TRYING to fix the door (door decorating
contest...i was glueing grass on it lol) and my eyes were
closed. yuck. then they passed around the scrapbook they
made. it had LOTSA pics of the Kitty Hawk Convention. most
of em actually. the big pic of all of us, a pic of me ryan
chief joey and dan in uniform, a pic of the dinner thing (i
was hiding in that 1), a pic of me jumpin off the high-
dive, a pic of me and jonny playing some hockey phooseball-
type game and a pic of me, jonny, rico fico, matt damon,
glen and ryan playin cards (bullshit :-)). *sigh* which is better,
the memory or the actual experience? definitely the experience.
it may have been painful when it all happened but it was
fun too...the pain is what u remember the most and the more
u remember it the more u wish things could be different. i
still talk to jonny online. hes one of my 3...i know i know!
u think im crazy...i knew him for 4 days and now i only get
to talk to him online but...idk...maybe i am crazy. who
knows?

mare skipped 4th and came to lunch again. i had vanilla ice cream.

i listened to pink floyd in math. i think im a moron. im
failing yet i still cant bring myself to even try. notice
im writing in here at 9 pm instead of doin my math hw and
outlining ch 17-22 for history (due tomorrow). *sigh*

i didnt go to detention. mrs mcmanus is a bitch. hopefully
mary'll take iss too. maybe ill get it for b4 monday. then
ill at least know someone in there (john) gah

i went home with mary and helped her pack for an hour
before work. she wants me to go for jay. he is nice.

its not really that i wanna bf (bc relationship are all just repeats
of previous ones) its that i want one of the previous ones to work
out. ryan said i need to talk to him if im this serious about him. u
dont know how hard it is to talk to someone that refuses to even sit
by u.

i hate work. its official...i cant quit...im getting a 2nd
job. in order to be able to drive again i need to get my
moms car fixed. therefore i need to come up with $1000. by
summer. i asked cindy if i can have saturdays off over the
summer...work 8:45-5:15 monday and thursday and 8:45-12:45
wednesday and she said 'the most i can give u is every
other saturday...every other thursday' SON OF A BITCH MY
BOSSES ARE FUCKING CUNTS!!!!!!

i hate life. im sorry if that offends u...i just dont see
the point in it.

tomorrow is friday. know what ill be doing? most likely
sitting here on this shitty ass pc going insane. saturday
and sunday too. i have no friends. especially now that i
dont have a f'n car. no the few friends i do have dont use
me for my car (as my mother assumes) its just that theres
nothing to do w/o a car so...

*sigh* im so f'n starving! im not eating tonight. IM NOT
ANOREXIC!!!!!!!!!!! dont assume things. theres a big
difference btn my problem and anorexia. mine is due mostly
to depression. i dont not eat bc i think im fat or anything. i
just dont see the point in eating so y eat?

buh byez

(slit wrists are the best way to relieve tension and
anxiety...i dont have anyone stopping me now)


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