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2002-05-09 06:50:41 (UTC)


i'm pretty happy with things the way they are right now.
Especially when compared to how I felt on Sunday/Monday
morning. I was so upset. And now things seem to be going
fine. I went to a movie with friends tonight. I didn't
think Van Wilder was gonna be very good but it was actually
pretty funny so I was surprised. Good thing too cuz the
movie was pretty expensive. I usually just go to the cheap
theatres now. The last time I saw a movie there at the
expensive place was when my bf got all dressed up and took
me for a 'fancy dinner' for our one month anniversary. So
that was like a month and a half ago. We went to visit him
today at work and took him a slurpee. Unlike the last time
I dropped stuff off for him there, he seemed happy to see
me. So that's good. I still don't really know what was up
with him before. I mean, he WAS acting different. I don't
know, maybe I am really chronically anxious about things
all the time but he WAS for sure acting a lot different.
Maybe the reasons weren't what I thought they were, but he
was still acting strangely. The other thing about him is
that he's not exactly the most open person in the world for
either good or bad things. So that's kind of tough. I mean,
if he really likes me, I can't really tell too much. If
something's wrong, I can't really tell either. I think
because he knows I was freaked out about things and thought
he was dumping me (although he doesn't know to what EXTENT
i freaked out) he is making more of a point to express some
affection towards me which was something he had sort of
stopped doing, leading me to think the worst. It's not like
he should have to constantly reaffirm his feelings towards
me cuz I mean, it's not his job to maintain my self-esteem
or anything like that. But once in a while it's nice for
him to do something sweet or something just to remind me
that yes he actually still likes me. I find myself doing a
lot of stuff for him lately, like expressions of affection-
wise... I think it may partially be because I'm
subconciously trying to encourage him to do the same thing.
But I don't think it's really going to work. I guess part
of me thinks that maybe he's just like me and kind of
unsure and stuff and maybe if I show him that I like HIM,
he'll be more confident about doing it back. But I really
don't know if that's it at all. That's the tough part.
There's a LOT about him that I just don't understand. Which
is kind of wierd. My last boyfriend (and only other) I went
out with for only 2 months (just a little less than what
I'm at now in my current relationship) and it was so wierd.
I could read him like a book. Maybe he was a little less
complex than this guy too... but still. I had no problem
figuring out why he would do things, even if the logic made
no sense to me. I could figure out what would make sense to
HIM. It doesn't work that way with this guy. And it kind of
drives me crazy and drives me to spend some nights crying
my eyes out cuz I think that he's about to break up with
me. I don't know why the two relationships are so different
but I guess I would have to be scared if this relationship
WEREN'T drastically different from the last one cuz it
really was not at all a positive experience.
So I don't know. I have to figure him out somehow. I guess
it's kind of an interesting thing to try to do, so it's not
all bad that I don't understand him yet.