Life goes on...
Boy, did we have a doozy of a week after I last wrote
here! We spent the following 2 days in horrible arguments,
to the extent that he wasn't gonna even come home one
evening. It all came to a head the 3rd night when I came
the closest I've ever come in my life to hitting someone. I
didnt do it, but damn, I wanted to! It really was awful. I
had to face, for the first time, that maybe we shouldnt be
together after all. That maybe we really werent so perfect
for each other if he couldnt understand such a basic need I
have of him. I started thinking of us breaking up and going
through all that SHIT again and how awful that process
would be. But, I knew if I had to choose to do that I COULD
do it and the world wouldnt crash to a halt. Then I felt
like I was alone in that feeling, and that really sucked.
But after our 3rd night of arguing he seemed to start to
get it. He began to really make an effort at it all, for
the first time! He said to me on the second day of the new
beginning that he felt like he was losing me. Yeah, he
actually was able to feel that's where my thoughts had
been. And he even emptied the trash without my having to
say something first!
No, really, I have to give him a lot of credit. He seemed
to realize the seriousness of it all this time and that I
couldnt continue as things were going. We've had several
really great nights together since then, and I can see him
consciously making an effort at it now. I just hope it isnt
a temporary fix of things. He has to know since we have a
commitment to each other for LIFE that his efforts have to
be permanent. Right now, it's really working and I feel
like I have a PARTNER again.