Silver web spun of a twisted imagination
2002-05-09 00:28:34 (UTC)


Kay, an actual entry now. I'm worrying about so much.
Sandy, if she's okay, Tim, if he's okay, if he's alive...at
least I know Sandy's alive. No one I know's talked to Tim
in almost a week and he hasn't been posting or returning my
feedback to his diary (by the way Tim, if you're reading
this, if you don't already know, to send feedback, go to my
entry and click "send feedback to Webweaver). Now it's
the next day and Tim's alive. Joe talked to him last night.
I don't know if he's okay, though Joe says he is but I get the
impression they didn't talk long. I hope Sandy transfers to
Granby. I'm also worried about my empathy. I think I'm
picking up the brain waves from someone else's pain centers
and I don't like it. I get this weird pain in my arm around my
wrist and there's no mark I think it's Sandy. The other day I
got some of it in my leg too. I don't know if it's just surface
pain, either because it feels deeper, like it's to the bones in my
arm, like someon'e sawing. It hasn't in the past two days
except a twinge now and then but a few days ago it was bad. I
asked Joe if Tim was alright then and he said yeah so it's got
to be Sandy. He parent's must've fought w/ her again. Oh my
God and Goddess. I cover up th epain and everything and just
go on with the days, resigned to the process that will go on 'til
mid September if I'm lucky but sometimes when I get dressed,
the only time I can fully close the door, I have to cry because I
miss him so much. I carry that card that little card, everyday
and put it back in the little cloth envelope everynight, and when
I'm alone it just swells. I have to go on though, fo him and for
Sandy and for jenny, and Brittanny and Josh and oh my
goodness so many people. Yesterday I was going to go to
FPS and the bus wasn't there and I was instantly depressed
and outraged at the same time and soooo frustrated as soon
as I got back across the street I screamed and when I got to
the student parking lot to see if maybe I hadn't missed Kelly,
Renee pulled up and I got a ride with her and it was all gone. I
felt relieved and the pain and the anguish vanished. What's
happening to me! I get my loved one's emotions and pain but
but my own are so fleeting, except the superficial mask. Why
isn't Tim posting? Maybe...no. I thought maybe he was dead
but I didn't want to he wouldn't do that to me. I won't do that to
him. Maybe...no. No I want these thoughts out of my head,
and I want my dreams to be nothing again. I always say I'm
crazy but still this is just I don't even know the word, not
overwhelming not surreal. I don't know I don't know I don't
know I DON"T KNOW anything anymore. I don't anything but
who I love and even that's hazy when it comes to Mom and Mark.
Oh for Sandy I will never forgive her I hate my mother for that.
She said if Sandy died and I wanted to go to the funeral she'd
have to consider it, and that when she was in the hospital I
couldn't visit or call of contact at all. That I should have thought of
that before I made a bad decision and it would teach me to think
of the effects my actions have on other people. I called her cruel
and insensitive and she is. I didn't get in more trouble, wonder of
wonders. Sandy might die without me and she wouldn't care that
bitch. I'll never forgive her for that. I keep thinking of terrible things,
lying awake at night. I've started more work on my story, got all the
Celtic definitions in my BOS, been keeping up with Buffy the
Vampire Slayer and screwing my Spanish homework until the
beginning of class but oh well. Hmmm. Anything else. I have the
song "Without me" by Eminem from The Eminem Show stuck in my
head. That video is funny as hell and I miss Tim so freaking much
I can't stand it. Well. Tim if you read all this send me feedback. I
need contact with you I miss you so much. I love you.