This mess of mine.
2001-06-05 05:59:00 (UTC)

How I am feeling today...

I wrote this about a week ago.
I don't really feel like this anymore.
I do want to die now. Cause I am a selfish bitch.

I don't want to die; I just don't want to live. I just want
to blink and erase all traces of existance. To never be
born, never known. I don't want to kill myself and know the
wounds that I will leave behind. Family and those who think
I am worth something that I am not will feel pain. I know
this and it stops me. They don't deserve to hurt because of
my selfish nature. If there was a way I could just not have
been born, all influence and affect I have ever had erased
then I would take it. It would be so easy. I am not
embarrassed by my weaknesses. Let them win. It is not my
fight anymore. I surrender; just make the pain go away. I
am tired of hurting everyone that I care about. I am tired
of giving them pain. I am tired of having to live with
myself. I am angry and exhausted by trying to run away from
the one thing that will be with me till I die; me. I have
changed so much but I have never changed enough to like
what I have become. So I tried changing what I do and don't
like. I tried to like myself regardless. But if I wasn't me
I wouldn't like me so how can I like myself just because I
have to be with me. If I know exactly what i mean and what
I am saying why the fuck am I so confused? Believe me, I
don't just want the easy way out of this misery. I just
want any way out. If anyone can help me find a way, be it
hard or excrutiating, I'll try it. I just don't know what
to do, or where to go from here. I hate myself too much to
live but I love you too much to die. But by me living I am
just being an ongoing pain, an ongoing problem. Won't you
see that if I died the initial hurt you would feel wouldn't
even compare to the pain I am dealing up for you everyday
just by living? If you could all know this I wouldn't feel
the guilt of these thoughts; these dreams. I would be able
to slip quietly into oblivion. It is so much easier to be
forgotten when you are gone than forgotten when you are
around. So much easier to be lonely when you are alone,
than lonely when you are surrounded. I am so confused that
I don't even know what I want in this life anymore. I am
just so overwhelmed and I am only 17. I am breaking so
intensly that I don't know how much more I can fall apart.