Zippy

Sleeping with the lights on
2002-05-07 14:09:33 (UTC)

Same shit different Day.

I fucking hate Chris living at our house. If he only knew,
if anybody only knew how annoying he is to me. I don't know
why..I always thought that he was a nice person but he's so
loud. There is never any time for me with my family because
they are all too up his ass. WHY? I thought I would be a
little more important than him. He didn't even get kicked
out of his house! That sucks..that's shitty. Today is not
going to be very fun at all. IT's raining and school is so
boring. Only a couple weeks left though, only a couple
periods left...Everyone here seems tired. They all feel like
dead to me. I can't tell who they are ..I don't want to fall
away.
I think I'm slowly becoming like really mentally unstable. I
can't think normal thoughts, they all wash away into
extremely intense things. They always make me wonder to a
strange place..I make problems for myself even worse because
I cannot stop thinking. I cannot write how I feel..there are
no words to explain. I want to be able to tell everyone how
I feel about them, but I am too polite. I take anger and
aggression from people and turn it into some kind of insult
that they do not understand. Why do I always feel so FUCKING
STUPID, but I am not. I act so..fucking stupid..ah. I am
starting off on one of those "thoughts" that I get. I wonder
what it's going to make me feel like. The thoughts control
my body. I cannot stop them, they are eating me alive. I
can't feel satisfied..there is always something more that I
want. I want more out of my life than what there is. I want
love and exceptance from my family who does not give me
support. They think there is something wrong with me. They
say that I am not myself anymore. But, they act like they
are angry at me. I don't know why but I always talk about
killing myself, and for some reason I can feel it. I ALWAYS
FEEL LIKE I'M DYING. WHY? I don't know why I am the way I
am. Some people think that I'm too young to be depressed or
whatever, but FUCK THEM. They have..no idea. I can't
explain. I can't tell them, it just eats..away..at me. It
doesn't help to complain. It helps to just shut up and let
myself worry about it. So what if I am going totally fucking
NUTS. It's not my fault. Everything is bad. Everything is
not the way it should be. I like it the way it is. I want to
SUFFER.
I just don't want people to think that I am crazy, but
nobody knows. I feel like I am suffocating right now. I am
tired...I just want to go to sleep.