Bitch & Moan
2001-06-04 19:39:23 (UTC)

All work and No Play

Well, I am at work now. Sitting here thinking about my
life...I have discussed it with enough people...my GOD, if
you sit down next to me I will chew your ear off. It is
not that I really want everyone to know my business ~ it is
just that I don't know the best thing to do. Should I just
once and for all tell Mr. B to jump in a lake and leave
things alone ~ for good?? I mean no more "Baby, I love
you....but I am afraid to try it again....I miss you, but I
am pissed that you left me....baby, baby, baby" His voice
always could just turn me the other way ~ make me weak. Mr.
B is the absolute love of my life that I cannot seem to
stop loving. So, anyway, do I let it go and refuse to
discuss it again (oh, heartbreak...I love HIM!), or do I
continue to let him bring me up and then drop me
down. "Yes, I want to be with you. NO, I am not ready.
Yes, I love you, no I don't think it will work. Yes, we
will continue to work on this, no, I don't think that I can
call you today." On and on it goes...where it stops, no-
body (with the exception of the charming Mr. B) seems to
know. I sit at work and think about him...knowing that I
am the furthest thing from his mind. I cannot help but to
think that he is doing this just to be spitefull. Just to
show his power and control over me. Why else would he do
it?? He must see the pain. I have told him I am in pain
and asked him to just be honest and tell me NO if it is
NO...not dangle the dream in front of me. He was always
like that when we were married too ~ giving only so much of
himself and then completely pulling back. Why would I want
to be with someone who does not love me as deeply as I love
them?? Why do I torture myself with this?? I just want to
have my family back ~ I would do anything, and
unfortunately the person that I love the most in the world
knows this and uses it against me ~ that is fucked up!!! I
couldn't do that to someone....to dangle a future, a dream
in their face and in the next breath take it back. But
then again, I am a very sensitive and feeling person. I
care too much about people. I have a boyfriend right now
that does nothing for me emotionally. He is the sweetest
person...just not the person for me...I cannot make him
into the person that I want him to be and that is not fair
to him. I know that he loves me and I cannot imagine using
that love for bad/hurtful stuff. I do not want to live
with him...I just kinda of fell into it and am not trying
hard to get out of it. I would not try to rip his heart
out on my way out door. If you don't love someone the way
that they love you ~ let them go...hopefully they will find
someone who shares the same level of love with them. I am
just so pissed off at myself for letting Mr. B twist me and
turn me to his will. One side of me tells me that he is
just being scared and that eventually we will be in the
same State again and with the love that we share we will
work it out....the other side (the smart me) says that
ain't neva gonna happen. That he will make excuse after
excuse and never tell me the truth, never burn the bridge
because HE NEEDS me to fall back on. I mean, what if shit
does not work out with his girlfriend(s), then where will
he be?? He doesn't want that to happen, so I am placed on
the back burner for him. I am an extrememly bright girl,
why is it that my heart will NOT listen to my head. My
head knows all the signs that he is giving me are signs of
NO WAY ~ but all my heart hears are the "I love you Babys"
& the "I miss you Babys." I feel so pathetic. I don't
know what I need to do to let him GO or to get him back.
But, do I really want someone back who is willing to use me
like this and to hurt me like this??? I am so confused and
hurt. I need to just move out of SWE's house and FORGET
about Mr. B. Let him get on with his life. Maybe he can
find hapiness. I cannot see past the hurt right now to
find hapiness.....I just need to concentrate on my kids
and that is that. And I need to stop him from using the
shit out of me. I NEED to stop talking to him on the