.Scream Your Dream.

Emo Violence
2002-05-06 21:08:36 (UTC)

thinking of you.

today i was remembering things that happened a year ago.
today is the year anniversary of cameron logan's death. it
feels weird and it made me sad thinking about it. i didnt
know him, but just my life a year ago, has changed so much.
one year ago, at the cameron logan (excite bike/decade of
error) benefit show, i left with unionville kids and got
high at the park. then we came back to the legion and ate
cold-left over pizza with alex glenn and other ska kids.
what an odd night. i saw one of the kids that i ate with
just saturday night i said mean things about him and felt
mad. things are so differnt now. i dont consume myself with
politics and drama, just you. i was on the verge of crying
so many times today, its all slowly hitting me, thinking
about lying next to you and you saying sweet things. now
what. now. what. bryse is sleeping on the couch next to me.
how do i love her so much, shes such an aweosme person.
were listening to apparatus engine. ugh sadness.

"words were exchanged, things have been changed, gave up on
pain, not sure one name" give second chance, fuck up your
plans.

im excited for the summer, some short of change of pace is
what i need right now, as to not go crazy. sitting here
feeling bad about myself is just not cutting it.

i just threw on my stay what you are record. havent
listened to it in a while, and im ready for it. why are
people so differnt from each other but so alike. bryse and
i talked a lot today, and it got me thinking. i guess i
never really understood the capacity and the impact that
ray had on her life. and why that situation was truly
fucked up, untill now at least.

written 4/26/02
"...i laid with you and listened
to your heartbeat
for what felt like forever
it was always faster than mine.
i swore that i was done,
done trying at somthing
i didnt want to fail at.
well i guess i lied..."

written 4/29/02
"tell me truth
tell me lies
tell me anything,
i just need to know.
im sitting here, trying to grasp
an intangible idea of what's going on.
i just make stabbing guesses.
asking questions, wondering
id rather throw my heart away
than make myself wait.
and if you have the audacity to
finally contact me with the
nonchalantness of a gentle
greeting or sweet kiss, you
dont even know how much that will hurt,
as if my function is to wait, for you.
if you love a girl, at least i will know,
at least i will have somthign to dispise
besides myself, someone else to
blame. i wont even hate you, i say.
i undestand circumstances cahnge
people change, but do you have
to leave me like this, this will make me
hate you more than lies ever would."

those were both put into sam's zine. no one else has read
them but i felt like typing them up.

everytime i think about the zine i think about you. i want
to show you what ive cared about for 6 months, what ive put
more energy into than anything else in my life. what ive
been glowing about all weekend, so i sit here with the most
beauty and art ive ever been able to produce, in my hands,
and you arnt even there for me to share it wiht. how do you
go from keeping me warm all night in that freezing cold
basement to not speakign a word. i dont understand. i wont
wait forever, sweet boy, but i will wait to talk to you, to
hear your voice so i can shoot it down if need be. but for
now i will wait, wait like i have been.

memories like ice
chilling my heart
freezing my fears
killing my spirit

cant concentrate
on anything even
if i tried. just
thoughts of care
and yur voice in
my head blocking
logic. think i'm
crazy, think i'm
wrong i probably
am. but i follow
the beating with
subtle ease, and
ignore your cold
actions, for i'm
blinded by older
words and carful
touches. end it.

that was one of the weirdest things ive ever written in my
life. stay well. dont be like me. i am no role model.

sarah .scream your dream.




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