This mess of mine.
2001-06-04 18:06:01 (UTC)

3:42am June 05th, 2001

I have been crying and shaking and throwing things and have
basically stopped because I am now too exhausted to
continue. Starting with the first incident today, I did go
to skool. I was freaking out about going out though and
kinda started weeping. Kev comforted me and off I went. It
wasn't that bad. I had just psyched myself up about it.
Then when I walk in the door the first thing I notice is
Kev not around. Then the stomach cramps that had been
hurting me for the past couple of hours almost doubled me
over in pain. I sat down and Marie gave me some news. Kev
was out. About a half hour after I left he locked himself
in our room. Not even playing guitar, just sitting. This is
odd for Kev. When he is stressed or upset or angry he locks
himself away on the net or playing keyboard or guitar; but
not this time. At some point he was on the net ( I think
this was before he went away ) and was telling Peit and
Wade that he wants to kill himself. This freaked me out! He
then rang Grant and got him to come over here and pick him
up and pick up Wade and Alison aswell. They all were going
to Grant's house for the night. I rang and rang and rang
around till I got to talk to him and he said hew didn't
want to talk and he would see me tommorow (today). A little
after that I saw his knife sitting open on the dresser and
thinking it odd went over to close it. Under it I found a
note. It read:

' A message to all those who question.
It's just a body, this vessel that holds me to the problems
that I face, day in day out. Flesh, bone, sinew, a physical
fucking mess, serving no purpose except to seperate me from
that which I yearn for; something else, something more. Why
must the fear to end it's existence exist? In comparison to
what comes after, came before, and shall forever b, it
really holds a rather insignificant worth. It can all be
over in an instant, we can strip ourselves of this dead
weight and be free of the reality it is tied to, thus able
to not only be free of existing woes, but move onto a
higher state of being. Deaths should not be feared, rather
looked forward to, at least such an existance could hold
ones interest. Even were there to be nothing afterwards,
sheer nothingness, what a comfort that would be! And so I
leave you with this message, yearn not for lost loved ones,
they are surely in bliss, waiting for the day that you can
join them. I'll be seeing you all again & i'm certain it
will be the happiest day of our past-life experience!'

I wasn't even able to read all off it before I threw the
book containing it across the room and started seriously
throwing shit. I was shaking and crying hysterically. Marie
came in and got the hint and left. When I was able I picked
it back up and continued reading. By the time I was
finished I was throwing shit and making more noise than the
first time. Everything was blurry and all I could keep
seeing were knives sticking out of the walls. Lots of holes
and lots of blood from where I had cut my hands sticking
them there.
I eventually settled down enough to go out and show Marie
what I had found. While she read it I lay helplessly
rocking and weeping in her lap. I haven't ceased rocking
She rang him and told him what we had found and told him
that I was upset. He said he didn't want to talk to me and
that he would be ok with Wade.
I ended up talking to Peit about it all for hours. I posted
in the pumkins forum about it. I can't sleep. I am feeling
soooooo sick to the stomach.
I can't wait to see him today. I want to hold him. He is
starting to feel and he doesn't like it. I can't help but
feel guilty. He told me on the phone before I found the
note that it was partly my fault. I feel like going away.
Leaving him in peace. But I know that while this soul is
connected to mr kev kev's body there will be no peace. I
just want to make it easier for him to have me around to
help him out.
Failing that we can at least kill ourselves together.
THough he is such a solitary person he probably would even
want to die alone.
Falling in love is so scary. And so dangerous. If he kills
himself without me I know that I would follow without
another thought.
The thing with this though is that the note he was to leave
might as well be something straight out of my head. It is
exactly what I would write if I had the power of expression
that Kev does. I miss him. I realise everyday just how
distant he is from me.
While Kev is all I am. An empty shell filled with coveted
pieces of him. Take that away from me and what is left but
a hollow broken shell? Nothing. So why bother? It doesn't
sadden me to think of dieing. It used tio be my no.1 fear
in primary school and in church. Now it is a comfort to me.
A certain exit door to turn to when no-one is looking.
I am so exhausted.
I have to be up in 3hrs for skool. I want to be able to
stay up but I know I will be shit when I see Kev and I want
to be a lil more coherent for that.
I am going to stop babbling now and leave you with our
horror-scopes for today (Tuesday).


June 05th, 2001

The wound is still fresh, but it's time to move on. Healing
may be a difficult process, but hurting is even more
destructive. Swallow your pride along with whatever gentler
medicine the stars have prescribed. It might be easier for
you knowing that the road back home is shorter than the one
that brought you here. There are many lessons to be learned
from the ordeal that you have just gone through, Pisces. By
learning them, hopefully you won't find yourself back in
the same position again anytime soon.



June 05th, 2001

If you don't do anything to make yourself feel better, you
might have some kind of meltdown. Whether or not you feel
you have time to do it, remember to take an extra break
today. Stretch out of your computer crouch, drink a healthy
beverage and have an uplifting conversation with a coworker
or a loved one. The world won't wait for you, but you'll
catch up to it when you're ready. The more you rush
yourself, the less you'll actually be able to accomplish.


'I don't know if I'm real without you
what is left of me without you?
I don't know what's real without you

from SHAME
Stabbing Westward