humming bird

my F***ed up head
2002-05-06 20:12:25 (UTC)

no where to go

alright well prom was fun and it wasnt that weird with
jason but it kina was...we were at his house afterwards and
e wasstanding there stil in his tux for the most part but
his shirt was un done and he just looked so hot but he
tlaked to me and just being with him hurt so much and not
being with him hurts to so i cant make up my mind which i
would rather have, but he likes mel and that is killing me
inside but my mom found a note from megan and i was talking
about drinking and my mom basically told me that if she
ever found out i drank or anything then i would be grounded
til iw as 18 so i am just quiting everything and the only
time i will ever drink or smoke is if it is totally not
sketch free and it is like virtually impossible to get
caught. being with jason made me fall in love wit him all
over again and i mean there is a possibility of soemthing
happeneing between me and stevo but the only things... i
dont want to be with anyone else, i dont know if steco is
what it takes to get me voer jason.... i mean i think
corbit might but then i woudl just get hurt again so i am
giving p on relationships...and scott is moving in a month
and i cant even handle anything seriously i am at serious
risk of going insane or something i just cant do it and now
i have to quit everything that has been keeping me sane
even tho its been thewrong way of dealing with things it
was still a way and now i have nothing and it scares me, i
have nothing and no one i love jason so much still and i
hate it that everytime he said it to me it was just a
lie... becuz i still hear him saying it in my mind and its
just a lie... it was a lie then and its a lie in my
memories... if memories are all we have then what do u have
when your memoreis are lies? i seriously fel like i cant
deal with any of this but living is the same thing as
dealing basically becuz if you really cant deal then u just
die and i'm no dead.... but i have nothing, i seriously
feel like i have nothign at all, everything i had i lost...
and i am just gonna keep myself empty, i am just gonna
remain with nothing becuz i would rather be where i am now
then have my emotions get played with and feel like i was
on top of the world and had everything and end up loosing
it all again. but yeah i'm gonna go...... julz

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