luvbug

little mind farts...
2002-05-06 16:25:05 (UTC)

Everytime I look up into the empty space above...

hilarous! my friend and i had a journal that we kept
freshman year. she just found it and gave it back to me to
read! it has only been three years but i have changed so
much. i didn't aniticpate such a change you know?
esstienally,i am the same person but generally speaking, in
terms of confidence and personality i have changed for the
better.
i suspose that journals with friends or without have
only two main purposes, to vent in something that offers no
judgement or damnation and if you save them, they offer
wonderful insight to you as a human being. i have journals
from 5th grade that i still read regularly.
it's funny because the things that i thought were huge
then were so little and sad say but somewhat trival. :0)
for instance freshman year,i wrote about kissing a guy on
the cheek and i was freaking out. (i got my first kiss like
a month after that so i'm a pretty innocent sister! lol) i
thought it was hilarous..god how dorky. but you gotta love
it. :0)
to be honest, i now feel some pressure in knowing that
people other my immiedate friends are reading this journal.
i am afriad that it will lack interest or something like
that. i suppose i shouldn't care but i guess that this
feeling comes from the overwhelming need to please, you
know? i just hope that my lovely readers find these entries
intersting.
i have always considered myself a independent female,
never have i doubted that quality within myself but lately
that independence has doubled by far. i love my friends and
i love their company but also love to go out and venture by
myself. of course there is that one special friend that you
tell everything to and want to be with all the time, he or
she is the exception. but generally speaking i love that i
walk around and do things on my own without relying on
other people. that's sort of a weakness you know...relying
on other people? like you can't go anywhere without someone
by your side. it's empowering to go out and do things on
your own. like i have several dead friendhships with people
who couldn't go to bathroom without me. i started to feel
like i was being locked up in a corner and i wanted to
fight my way out (not literally though). i suppose that
this is a sagittarian trait...lol :0)
i got mail from my number one choice university, u of i
in champaign-urbana. the got my psat scores and were
obivously pleased because they sent me a package telling me
that they hoped that i added them to my list of
universities to attend. i visit that school so much and
it's also a house hold name. my father graduated from
there, my sister is junior there, my uncles graduated from
there, and hopefully i will attend and graduate from u of
i. :0)
remember the guy named perfection? lol i don't know how
perfect he is now. i realzied a pattern within myself. when
i meet someone that i like (and the emotion is returned),
they go onto a pedistal. i praise them and lift them higher
than then sky. once they do something that breaks the
pedistal, i look for things that are wrong and depending on
how much i care for them, i become vunerable emotionally. i
then preceed to close up and they do so also. once things
have calmed however, everything becomes alright. so my
perfection has fallen from the pedistal and since i have
realized this trait in my overally romantic self, i will
try not to let that happen. i won't close up and get weird,
instead i will continue to be the cool, intelligent, fun
female he met. i am going to try my hardest to just let
things flow and stop being so overally analytical in
romantic situations.
wow! i fuckin wrote a book! lol :0) well, i'll go now.
i'm going to go and read prettyfreak's diary. i love the
way she thinks.

much luv,
michelle :0)


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