rougeswimmer

Swimmerland
2002-05-06 16:07:08 (UTC)

CTY

So I haven't updated this thing in like 4 months... I
finally turned seventeen, and have my license, go me :) But
I almost wish I weren't. Because if I were only 16, I could
go back to CTY this year. Granted, what I'm doing this
summer is going to be awesome. I mean, how many people can
say that at the age of 17, they went to Paraguay for 2
months and lived in an isolated community with only one or
two other Americans. It's going to be awesome. But I think,
partially out of habit, I'm having major issues dealing
with the fact that I can't do anything else at CTY. That
chapter of my life is over, and I can't go back to it...
but I still keep trying to.

On warm nights like last night, I lie awake with my windows
open, feeling a cool breeze playing across my legs. With
it, there come poignant memories of playing ultimate
frisbee, and cuddling with people, and staying up late
talking to Anjie at night. Last night was probably more
helpful because instead of having to stay up by myself, I
talked to 2 CTYers on the phone last night, and did my
usual routine of making whoever's on the phone with me stay
up until I'm ready to go to sleep. But sometimes I'm by
myself. And then I just sit and listen to Hallelujah and
Stairway to Heaven over and over (I still haven't listened
to American Pie) until I can't take it anymore.

I hate clinging to the past, but right now, life is so
stressful that there's nothing I can do to make myself feel
better about the way my life is going except to cling to
the past.




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