camicazy

Meshed Up
2002-05-06 14:38:29 (UTC)

M.E.

i haven't been seeing my twilight skies for the past days.
everytime i write, i see darkness.

i turn the lights off each time i write. partly because i
wanna see my sky and my star, another reason because
darkness soothes me. its coolness embraces me.

i got news that i have to include my literature marks for
the best four marks that i have to pass to uni in order to
be able to get into media and communications. as much as i
love literature, my marks suck simply because the teacher
is too stingy when it comes to giving marks. i have nothing
against this teacher. in fact, i admire and hold this
teacher in the highest respect. it's just that it's very
difficult to meet his standards because he is just simply
very wise. and i do not use the word 'wise' loosely.

i am feeling a bit down now. i have more or less convinced
myself that i will not get into law...but media? .. media's
the course that i've been wanting to get into for so long...

the anthology has been released. some people have read my
works. they've asked me why i write such things. what do i
mean with this? what do i mean with that? surprisingly, i
have nothing to say. i do not know how to explain the
things i write. i just write.

it's like another being within me takes control of my
hands, my mind, and my heart. the words come pouring
out...sometimes in a slow steady stream, sometimes rushing,
sometimes halting...and i see my life in a whole new
different angle. i understand things that i don't
understand. i absorb things that i never thought i would've
absorbed.

my life has been an open book of empty promises. empty
promises that i would love to wash away...

it is getting late. someone said that my life is unusually
difficult. perhaps it is. unusually difficult because my
difficulty is not in the usual physical things such as
money and food. it's in me. my mind. my heart. my eyes.

soil stained eyes. my eyes are stained. i see things from
the ground. i see things on the ground. i see things above
the ground. i see the world turn but i do not feel it
underneath my feet. i stand rooted...rapt, wondering,
pondering why must life be so?

i am easily intimidated by the people i meet for the first
time. the burden of not being good enough weighs heavily
upon my shoulders. i know it's something i must
change...but it is something i find very difficult to cast
aside. society's pressure, the world's pressure, my own
pressure of living up to what matters and what's good...

how i would love to be free and cast these chains aside. i
would love to blame my family. blame my religion. blame the
people who claimed to be my friends. but i have no one to
blame but myself. i alone am responsible for who and what i
am.

i need a break from all things true and all things good. i
need a break from all things bad and false. i need my time
alone. my peace. my solitude. i need to be.

yes. i need to be.

me. candice. camicazy. whoever i am. whatever i am. good
night.



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