John

Quiescing
2001-06-04 12:59:55 (UTC)

One less day to wait........

I always have enjoyed sleep a tremendous amount. It
seems to give me more time to be able to dream about
whatever my mind is either happy, sad, frightened, or
gleefull about from the past. I've slept more than
enough for the past two days because I guess I started
to draw back into a state of depression for the
weekend. My wife and kid were out of town for four days
visiting reletives. How boring life can be when your
alone and are not used to it. I guess when I look back
on things I never have had a big chance to become
used to being alone. Growing up I was always with my
brother and parents. And after only one "year" at
college I got married in order to raise a new family that I
created with my wife. It's very ironic that for the longest
time I always thought that living a single life would be
somewhat exciting....even down to the point of really
looking into a divorce in the past couple of months. But
I suppose that somehow or another God keeps putting
me back into my place by reminding from time to time
how lonely I feel with no social contact at all. Well, now
I can look forward to my wife and child returning from
the trip today and I'll feel comfortable and happy once
more. At least for a little bit......and then tomorrow it's
back to the grinding stone to a job I particulary don't
enjoy because it's not anything that will give me what I
am looking for out of life.

I guess now is the time to dwell upon that for a small bit
in ordr to get it out of my system so I can move on for
the day and not think about it. Point blank, I hate my job.
It's been the only career that I have been able to work at
since college because it's the only thing I am really
qualified to do with no bachelor degree. One year of
graphic design really acounts for crap when I blew
away most of my classes due to depression knowing
my life was going to be altered due to a pregnancy. But,
at least I knew from one standpoint that the high road I
took in highschool by NOT working fast food has kept
me alive with my family for the past four years. See, I've
always been into computers from the mostly artistic
standpoint of things. I never liked getting into the
programming crap becuase I thought it was very boring
to me. Too much math involved. But I did like the
building aspect and repairs because I suppose I'm an
artist. And when an artist can design something from
scratch and make it work really well.........Let's just say I
like building computers. But what goes beyond that is
that I love working on computers in 3D graphics. It's my
biggest ambition in life. To become a top animator or
CEO of my own company working on visual affects or
presentations for people. Right now? Hell, right now
I'm stuck working in 2D on magazine photo retouching.
Don't get me wrong....The pre-press industry is a very
highly technical field to work in. And subjective for that
matter too. But when I reached the peak of my
performance at the age of 23 and I knew that as an
artist I am just as good as the others in my group who
have been working on this for years far beyond me I feel
almost dead. I feel as though I have no challenges left
except to get up in the morning an go into my job. Sure,
I have been beyond the basic gratefullness to God
becuase this job has brought me two nice apartments
in the past and now a house to live in. And it has
sustained my family long enough so my wife could
continue her education and graduate this year with a
nursing degree. I'm thankfull for all of it. But I also
despise what I have to work with at the same time.
Who would want to go into a job where the comapny
changes the rules everyday? Who would want to work
for a company who acts sympothetic to medical
depression and turns around and puts that worker on
probabtion for it because of a couple of tardies in the
morning by two minutes, and further works for two
hours overtime the same day because it's demanded. I
don't necessarily dislike my job because of what is has
to offer in 2D color work....what I dislike is that the ethics
of how the company runs itself are so damn screwed
up that it makes good 'ol boys look like angels...........

Well, I guess for now it's enough. Maybe there might be
something later if big things happen today. Until
then.........

J.


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