The Thoughts of A Writer
2002-05-05 07:02:14 (UTC)

Lookin Good....

Today my dad asked me if I've lost weight. I was like, so
does that mean I used to be fat? I, personally, do not
think that I am fat. I may not be rail-thin like most of
the people today, but I am not FAT. I know there's people I
am skinnier than, but I do also feel the bulk of some of
those mean overweight jokes. My brother is the one I hear
it from the most. He doesn't seem to understand that when
you call someone fat- whether they are, or not, whether
your kidding, or not- it does still hurt. I have low self
esteem because of that. I never revealing clothes. I also
never leave my home without a jacket on. I know this seems
pathetic, but I know how it feels. I work out every day but
I still feel like I am ugly. I have always been ugly. I
never love myself. I tell others to love themselves, I
say: "Don't ever wish you were different because you should
be proud of what you have to offer. If you were the same as
everyone else, you wouldnt be original." and: "Love
yourself for who you are, dont hate yourself for what you
arent" I never take what I have to say into consideration
for myself. I have hated myself for the longest time. I
have made some terrible choices because of that. I once
stopped eating. All together. I once tried to barf it up.
I'm not good at the whole self induced barfing thing. I
tried not eating, but one day during a math test, I got so
frigging hungry, my stomach growled and my whole class
heard it loud and clear. That brought up depression. Being
viewed by myself as ugly brought alot of anger, pain and
hopelessness out in me. I had feelings coming out that I
had never seen. I would sit in my room for weeks on end. I
never wanted to be seen. I would blast my music loud,
feeling suicidal and lost inside my own thoughts. My
thoughts where taking over and I was lost in a world of
stuff I didnt want to confront. So, in conclusion, when my
dad asked me if i've lost weight, it felt good. I felt like
I was going to smile. A smile I have been holding inside
for so long. A smile that would have showed everyone I was
finally happy. The kind of happy I was never able to show.
Now I think I am looking good...