LesbianNamedJenn

Lesbian Stories...
2002-05-05 06:13:29 (UTC)

i dont understand why i still..

i dont understand why i still let jen get under my skin. i
mean, we were broken up. but she still gets to me. she
called a half hour ago. she was really drunk. and being
funny.

then like i was talking to jen again. she had me talk to
eryn. and eryn just said how much they were in love. i dont
wanna fucking hear that.

then jen kept askin if i was in love with rachel. and i
told her that i wasnt in love with her yet. and she was
like well i love eryn. and i asked her why she wanted to
know if i love rachel. and basically... if i said i loved
rachel. it woulda been fucking easier for her to tell me
she loves eryn. i guess she doesnt understand that i am a
normal fucking person that has feelings. and i dont get
over serious relationships in less than a week like she
does!

what pisses me off is that this is what stormy(jens ex) did
to jen two years ago. and now shes doing it to someone
else.

jen says she wants to talk all this stuff thru more when
she is sober. but i really dont wanna know if i want to.
what the fuck is there to say???

i am not with jen. jen has made that impossible. she loves
someone else(supposedly).

jen told me that she will always love me. what the fuck
ever man! if she even had a shred of decency and respect or
care for me, she wouldnt have fucked me over like this!!

i hope she understands that i gave up everything to be with
her. my family, my future, my friends, EVERYTHING!!!

what do i get in return?? my heart handed back to me in
100000 little peices. thanks a fucking lot!

michelle and rachel and my mom all say taht they dont want
to see me hurt anymore. well, too bad. i am hurt. so bad.

i mean, i really like rachel. love spending time with her.
but it is gonna take a long time for me to fully get over
this breakup.

jen, you really fucked me over! you promised me something
and didnt pull thru. you played with my heart! i hate you
for that! i really hope that eryn knows what you did to me.

eryn, let this shit be a lesson to you. you'll be the next.
i garuntee it. you can get mad at me all you want for
saying this. but its the truth. people who do this never
stop doing this. its a defence mechanism that she uses.

at least i find comfort in the fact that jen will be the
one in the end to be alone. congratulations jen! your the
one that fucked yourself over! dumbass!

jen says she isnt a bad person. and i really
believe/believed that. i am not sure though anymore. i
mean, all teh fucking head games she plays with me. one day
she breaks up with me. the next she tells me how hurt she
is to hear about me and rachel. and how much she loves me
still.

so yea. i think jen is fucked up in the head. she is just
as fucked up as stormy is. she needs help.

for someone to go from caring about a person sooo much. to
stomping on their heart, in a matter of a month. wow. that
takes a heart of steel.

now. i know i will prolly get an email from jen saying how
much this entry hurts her. well, sorry. i am telling the
truth. everyone tells me i should be more honest in my
journal. so here it is!

jen! you are going to be the lonely one in the end! you'll
be the one crawling back to me! and i wont take you back!
you dont deserve the light of day!

a while ago i wrote this quote in my journal. it really
applys here now.

2002-04-17 01:22:09 (GMT)

good quote

"One day you'll love me as I once loved you, One day you'll
cry over me, as I once cried over you, and one day you'll
want me but I wont want u..."

i really hope she realizes what she lost. because the truth
is.. she has lost it now. before. up until this nite... i
always thought maybe we would get back together. and maybe
she really loves me enough to come out here. now i know she
doesnt. and that she wont ever come out here.

everyone tells me that i need to have more self respect and
stop letting her get to me.. and up until now i havent. but
now i see.

i am a great person. i am funnny, good lookin(enough
anyway), someone that people can care about.

i need to realize what she is doing to me. she is
destroying me! everytime she says that she loves eryn or
some shit like that. it kills me just a little bit. and i
shouldnt let it. i have so much more i wanna do. and so
many better people than her to give my love to. she is not
going to be the one to stop me from doing that.

i am not going to lie. everytime i think about my life
without her. i wanna cry. and tonite i have been cryin. but
there is more to life then jen lovins. there is rachel and
my sister. and my family and friends.

but i need to learn to not cry when i think about it. not
to force myself to stop cryin or anything. but little by
little the lump in my throat will go away.

in one part of my mind i wish that jen and i would get back
together. then i realize. i could never go back to how it
was. she hurt me so badly. i couldnt just forget about it
all. and i know she wouldnt ever wanna talk about it unless
she was fucking drunk all the time.

maybe she'll learn her lesson and come running back to me.
but i hope not. because then i would look like the bitch
who didnt take her back.

the past week since our break up we have been talking.
talking about everything. and one thing was, would we cheat
on whoever we were with, to be with eachother again. for
like a week of sex or something. and she said she would.
and i was so desperate that i said i would as well. well
jen. i wont. sorry. you disgust me. you hurt people when
you know you shouldnt. you lie. you cheat. you dont know
what you had, and you dont know waht real love is.

so. i am gonna go to sleep now. but to say one last thing.
i am not over jen. i love her still. i miss her too. but...
i am so angry at her. and i have to have this time to be
angry. rachel babe, i know you dont like when i get worked
up about her. but its my life. and its the truth. and when
i feel like i am completly ready to give myself fully to
you. i will. and i will tell you when i do love you. but i
am not going to just say the words to please you. like jen
is doing with eryn. that is not right. i dont want to mess
with you like that. i actually care for you a great deal.
and i will not hurt you. i have learned from jen's
mistakes.

well, i dont know if jen or rachel will ever talk to me
again. but i had to say all of this. i hope that they both
do. becuase with jen... we should have closure. and with
rachel. we are just beginning a great new thing( :

so. i am going to take a fucking tranquilizer or somethin
and pass out. i am not in the mood for anything. fuck. i
hate that jen has this power over me. its really fucked up!
it will all be over soon though. it'll be okay.

jenn

MOOD: you know damn well how i feel right now.




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