Blue Castle reverie

My Saga
2002-05-05 05:35:19 (UTC)

It's been awhile

I haven't written awhile... haven't been terribly busy,
just normal stuff. I've finally started re-taking the
integrals test (so far I've done 4) and it really depresses
me a lot, because I know the damn stuff, I just make stupid
mistakes, or forget one part of one of the 50 stupid
formulas... but I have to get this; I need it to pass.
AP Tests start on Monday... Lit is Monday, and Econ is the
following Monday. I want to do well,mainly to prove that I
can. I really want a 5 in lit... Econ I'm just hoping to
pass. Expo was last night. The post is really starting to
get annoying. I'll be resigning this fall before I leave
for college.

And I was reading one of Sarah's journal entries, and it
was like reading something I'd written myself... not
exactly my thoughts, but the same feeling:
"I feel like an outsider...Everyone seems to be friends
with everyone else and I just peer in from the outside. I
don't really have a group of friends, I'm merely a drifter.
I wander among those I used to call friend. But not
anymore. All have abandoned me or pushed me away. They say
they're still my friends but they lie. Well, fuck 'em all.
I have a few close ones. Not that close, but the closest
comparatively. I'm strong. I've made it this far, I can
make it farther even if alone."
This whole "sense of belonging", "best friend", "knowing who loves
me" thing screws so many people over. I'm so insecure about who my
real friends are, and about how people really feel about me, and
about wanting to have one of those groups that you just "belong" to.