The Art of Self-Destruction
2001-06-03 14:36:52 (UTC)

Back to Ana

I have failed myself so many times I can't even count them
all. I'm so pathetic. As of now my own punishments must be
more servere. No more babying myself. That never works.
I haven't eaten anything since nine O'clock last night. And
I won't touch anything until Wednesday.
Thats only because I'm going to be on a school trip though.
SO it will be the usual, slice up everthing real tiny,
pretend to eat, but only take 2 minicule bites thingy
again. It works.
People are getting suspicious as to me starving myself
again anyways. But I don't look any better. I should at
least have something to show for all my hard work.
But no. I must go and fucking screw it up practically every
damn weekend!
But thats why I'm going to use my next (first...woohoo!)
paycheck on weed. If I can't manage to scrape up enough
damn will power to get myself through three damn days, then
I'll just have to sediate myself.
As of here on in, I will starve until I'm down another ten
pounds. This is not my choice. It is what HAS to be done!

My second mission is to stop cutting. My pdoc is already
weary as to weather or not she should let my mother in on
my dark lil secret.
That's all I need to happen. Like they don't think I'm
screwed up enough. Yeah sure, just go tell my damn mother
so she can be even more paranoid. Like my home life does'nt
suck enough already. Grr...