~E

My Crimes
2002-05-04 17:31:26 (UTC)

Rootbeer and candles

So this day has nothing to do with either of these items
other then that I may end up drinking or lighting one or
the other.
However it has to do with the big mess I have gotten myself
into.
On one had there is jake. Something I want but can't
have. I feel compleatly worhtless I feel that if I were to
start drinking and doing drugs that he wouldn't give a shit.
I'm emberessed of my drug use b/c of him. I'm embresessed
of everything I have ever done or will do. I feel that no
mater what I do I'm not good enuf.
I guess I know how John feels.
I even tried to give up on jake ignor him and never talk to
him again.
alas I'm a jackass.
one again we have been broken up for about a week. I'm
pretty sure he misses me again. He hasn't been laid he
prolly wants sex again. *rolls eyes*

then there is john, this boy is lost with out a map.
Honsetly I don't even think he wants a map to get out where
he is. He is married to a woman he doesn't know who is
going to have his kid. the married each other after two
weeks of knowing each other. stupid mistake whimisical but
stoopid.
I have done what I can to help him I have no other ideas.

I have also fallen for married boy and this I know is
st00pid as hell but he is wonderful and right now I just
want something wonderful.

Dan admited to having a crush on me and that he thinks I'm
wonderful and so many other sweet and great things he said
to me. The whole time, I hoped it was Jake that was saying
it. I was half awake in the morning it was dan.

My friend mike came to see me. he likes me. he wanted to
kiss me. I don't understand. diffrent veiws he is kute
others he isn't... he talks really nevosly not sure if it
was me or not. either or when he got home he said he likes
me too. Once again, not jake.

then there is the meagan ben thing. I like ben still I
will never tell anyone that I like him beause I don't stand
a chance in hell. *sigh*

I don't know what to do or think anymore. I really should
just be alone right now. I should be away from boys and
not deal with anyone on a romantic level. I don't think
that's going to happen though.
I want to say more but I have said it all before more then
a million times.
I still am very much in love with Jacob....

this hurts more then it should.
~E




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