The Game
2001-06-03 02:36:23 (UTC)

False belief.....

i am the target of a grievous misconception.....

this is most strongly represented by miss christine martin,
who believes that i am the god of flirting.... in her
opinion i can get whomever i want whenever i want..... my
efforts to dissuade her only convince her of my never
ending modesty as well.... *snorts*

the truth is far from the fiction however..... i am good at
casual flirting, by which i mean i can flirt lightly with
any girl and not cause any problems.... but there is one
over bearing weakness that i cannot overcome.... simply
stated i am a sap.

i have trouble taking risks with women..... i have trouble
taking flirting to the next level of my own accord, because
i fear hurting them in some way.... my life is ruled by
this fear..... not so much of actually hurting them, but of
making them less happy..... every action in my life can be
linked in some way to making other's happy (minus the
occasional moments of anger)..... and as i continue this
course i suffer because of it.... i flirt with everyone and
the common belief is that i get plenty of action, sadly
this really isn't true..... i'm not strong enough to
swallow my fear and make that leap..... so i stand on the
side lines and help others.... i wish them well when they
latch onto a guy they are attracted to, because i believe
that person can make them happier than i can.... even when
i do not believe i still wish them well, because i know
that my interference would make them unhappy..... and so i am alone
most nights.

instead of fighting for what i want, i sulk into my own
little corner of the world and foster a growing sense of
isolation..... yeah, i know it isn't healthy and i know i
should talk about it, but i don't..... today i wished my
closest friend the best of luck with plans to do something
tonight with the guy she is focused on right
now....... and so what do i have planned for the
evening? i'm going to sit here online and convince myself
that it doesn't matter and that i don't mind being alone
because i want to sound significantly cheery when i speak
with her tonight...... and so in an hour or two i really
will believe that i'm happy..... it isn稚 as if she is someone I want
to be with... not in the way you are thinking at least, she is just
the person I would like to be with most (physically)... but that
doesn稚 really matter...

not being at school furthers my troubles,
simply because our lives revolve around school and as such
everyone makes plans while they are sitting in english or
eating their lunch..... more often than not, actually much
more often than not, no one thinks to include me simply
because i'm not there.... this isn't done out of any
malice, but just as an oversight.... *shrug* i don't say
anything of course, it isn't my place and they enjoy
themselves without me.... that is my main problem in all of

i'm a sap. i truly wish i could behave as almost every
other person i know and look out for my own interests
before any other痴, but then i wouldn稚 be charles.... at
least not the one everyone knows....... maybe then i could
make myself push the social boundaries of flirting, but
until i stop caring............. i'm stuck.

how very frustrating...

I really do hate myself, because I have no one else to
blame for how much my life sucks.

Everyday is another toss of the dice.

~~Fortis Exaequo Vita~~

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