My Therapy Diary
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2002-05-03 22:14:40 (UTC)

Someone to confide in...

It's been a while since I wrote here. Haven't felt very
depressed lately. Well, yes I have, but I talked to my
friend B. about them instead. He's nice. I only know him
via the internet, but we've known each other for over a
year know and it feels like I know him "for real". He's a
really sweet guy, so when I said I was depressed he said I
could talk to him and he would be there for me. So kind!

It all started with me writing a diary entry at another
place, talking about that I had f*cked up at the national
test in Swedish and that I could as well commit suicide
now. I wasn't really serious about that, it was just a joke
at my own expense (that's how you say it?) 'cause I'm too
worried about my grades in school. (I feel like I have to
have the highest grades all the time, at every test and in
every course. Why I am like that is a long story... I might
tell it sometime later. Don't have time right now).

Anyway, B. wrote me and said that I had no right to
complain only 'cause it went bad on a test test, since I
have a rather good life after all. I wasn't quite sure if
he was right about that or not. On one hand, there are a
lot of people who are worse off than me. On the other hand,
B. doesn't know everyting about me and my problems. Fact
is, he don't know very much at all.

Anyway, he wrote back later and apologized. He had been
talking to a friend of his who has had a lot of problems
(like I said, he's sweet) while he read my diary, so he was
kind of pissed off by it. I wrote him back, and somehow I
ended up telling him all about the problem I had (and still
have) currently with my parents not liking my b/f since he
hasn't got a job. B. said that if I felt like I had no-one
to talk about I could talk to him, so I did. Told him a lot
of problems I have, from having been mobbed at school to
having problems with my b/f sometimes. Not all, but some.

Didn't get quite as much help as I had hoped for since most
of it was stuff that "he did not have much experience with"
(I guess that is another way of saying "Gosh, I'm not
exactly sure what you want me to say") but it felt good to
talk to someone.

I wish I could talk to my b/f, but I can't really talk to
him since he doesn't know how to keep quiet about
something. If you tell him something you don't want him to
tell other people, you have to clearly state it to him,
even if it is something that anybody would understan that I
don't want people to know. If I told him I wanted to commit
suicide, he would go talking about it with anyone uless I
specifictly told him not to.

That feels rather hard (I mean, when I'm depressed I don't
want to have to spend most of my time stating an obvious "I
don't want you to tell anyone about this" after every
sentence I say, I want to be able to talk freely to him.).
But it's really like I JUST CAN*T TALK TO HIM.

I know that he's already told a lot of things to different
people, that I never in my life would have wanted him to.
Like describing our sex-life to a mutual friend D. (of
course describing himself like the completely normal one
and me like the sick, perverted one), ending up with D.
thinking I'm a completely abnormal pervert. D's still
hanging out with me and treating me the same way as before,
but he said once to me that he would "never ever want me
for a girlfriend". That hurt.

Of course I know that being submissive isn't exactly to be
sexually normal, but I know that my b/f picked out the
worst parts and made them sound like something we do every
day, just to make a good story of it. That is how he works.
And that means that one of my friends thinks that I am
sick, much sicker then I actually am.

Yeah, and of course my b/f is completely normal in bed
himself (not!)

That is the worst part of it all. I'm pretty sure he hasn't
told anything to D. about his own weird little obsessions.
I mean, it's not like he hasn't got any. For example, he
has this Lolita complex liking the idea of young and
innocent girls (young like age 12-14) and he's really into
porn, something that sometimes makes me feel a little
Anyway, I don't think he has told D. about anything of that
and that makes me feel kind of betrayed. He's telling all
MY dark secrets to everybody without even mentioning it to
me afterwards (I found out about it when D. told me) but he
doesn't tell nearly as many of his own.

So, the point is that I can't really talk to him when I
have a problem (unless I want everybody we know to know
every detail of it). So that ends up with me beeing very
thankful that I have B, even if he doesn't offer much of a
council. But I guess I wouldn't have been able to do much

But having B. or not, I will probably check back here
anyway. Can't really tell B. everything about my sexuality
and all :-)
So it will be more therapy sessions here, be so sure...

I've found that writing everything down makes me able to
look at things in a more structured way. See more clearly
_why_ I'm unhappy. I like that. It helps me put my thoughts
in order.

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