Sometimes I Wish I Was...
I love that Boxcar Racer song. It totally describes alot of
what i feel.
Anyways...sometimes i wish i was dead. I dunno. I guess its
just that i feel sooo depressed and theres not much for me
to do about it. I feel empty, i feel sick, i feel lost, i
feel weak, i feel defeated, i feel like i want to quit.
John came over today and I just didnt want him to be near
me. I dunno why. And it felt like everything he said pissed
me off. i dint even want to touch him. I dunno whats wrong.
Then Jason called and I felt even worse. I was infatuated
with him. And it hurts that he's not infatuated with me
anymore. He told me to hold on and he never clicked back so
i hung up. And then he never called back.
Man i am so sick of living. I dunno why i am still here. I
feel so tired of this.
Not to mention i miss mark like crazy. Maybe thats what's
wrong. Cuz he was the only reason i stuck around as long as
i did. And now i dont have him to maintain my sanity.
I dunno. everything was going so right at one point. I
guess it all just peaked and now its a fast decline until i
break and kill myself already.
I just want to lay in bed in my dark room and cry. I
wouldn't be surprised if one day my mom came in and i was
dead. of course i wouldnt be surprised. Cuz it would be me
that took my own life.
I dunno. Everything seems to be going wrong. First the
whole mark thing....then the whole John thing..then the
whole jason thing. i think thats what pushed me over the
edge. then i am going out with john. Sometimes i think i
really like him. Other times i feel like i am only going
out with him so he can fill the void that mark left behind.
should i just blame all this on mark. Seems like the
easiest thing to do. but its not true. or at least i'll
just keep telling myself that.
I dunno...i'm going to go into my room...crawl under the
covers and see if i can kill myself this time. obviously
there is something stopping me each and every time.....i
just wish i knew what it was.
"i feel to mad...i feel so angry...i fell so calloused...
so lost...confused again....i feel so cheap...so used..
unfaithful...lets start over...lets start over...."