Guava

kiss me, kill me, hold me, thrill me
Ad 2:
2002-05-02 20:58:47 (UTC)

life sucks major cock

I just totally bombed my midterm in art history. I feel like
throwing up now. At least last quarter I felt good about it
after the test...even if I did fail it. I e-mailed dave about
it. We'll see if he has any words of encouragment or at
least something to make me feel a little better about it.
I just want to die right now.

I studied last afternoon and again this morning, but I
guess it wasn't enough. Last night I lost track of time
when I was chatting with a guy online. I used my other
personality to talk to him. I've talked to him before. Last
night I was really feeling down and it was nice to talk to
him. I really did feel like cuddling with him as we
talked. I am not usually like that. I just wanted
someone to be around I guess. Someone by my side
as I sleep.

I enjoyed talking to him because he is a total stranger. I
kinda told him about my frustrations with life. I told him
I really liked this guy who has a girlfriend. I may kinda
drop that down to being just a girl he's going out right
now...not like a total girlfriend.

I had forgotten that I had told him I have a boyfriend. He
kept telling me the two of us could get together. He
lives somewhere near Chicago. That is a long way
from here so I doubt I would ever meet up with him.
Also the whole not being who I am thing. I mean being
someone else when I talk to him.

We didn't talk about sex really. It was nice to have a
semi sexual conversation without actually talking about
the action of sex. He wanted to kiss away all my
problems. That sounded so nice last night.

I may hop on tonight and talk to him again. I figure I can
be myself under a different name and talk out my
frustrations and problems in life.

I need some velum. maybe I'll go shopping today. I
was thinking of going for a drive. I need to get out of
town and do something. I am thinking of going to buy
some beer or probably some Bacardi Silver. I told my
neighbor that I would let her try some the next time I
bought some.

class is going well today. we are working on our books
that will be due in a week. That is what I want the velum
for. I hope I can find a light color or perhaps clear. That
would be really nice.

Dave responded to my e-mail. He said if I drank and
then drove he said and I quote "I will personally come
over and kick your fucking ass."

I haven't had him mad at me before. I don't think he's
really mad, but a little frustrated at me. I didn't mean to
give him the wrong impresson about me today. I didn't
mean to come off as a stupid dumb person who would
go out drinking and driving.

I missed two of the easiest fucking questions on the
quiz we had yesterday in computer art. Oh well. I still
got a 96 on it.

Why am I so messed up? What did I do to get this
way? Who the heck am I and where did I go wrong?

I decided to send an e-mail letting Mrs. S know I am
going to be at the alumni thing. I told Dave about that.
He was worried that I was doing something I didn't
want to do. I assured him that I would be fine. It won't
be that bad. I said I wanted to find something shocking
to wear and he said one of the pictures of myself I sent
him was a good outfit. He really liked it a lot I guess. It
was a grunge outfit with my camo skirt and longjohns.

I like the outfit a lot. John doesn't care for it. I don't
know if I will need to wear black and white for the
concert or not. If I do I'll find something in my closet to
wear.

I might take the grunge outfit to wear afterwards. I am
hoping to go out with some people to do something
fun. Maybe we could go dancing? I will talk to whoever
shows up and see. I have thought of inviting Dave and
John. I doubt Dave could make it, but John might be
able to be there.

I can go so I'm going to head out of here. I guess I'll
walk down the street and get some good stuff to drink.
Then I can sit at home and talk with Dave about my
sucky life. Or actually I won't burden him with my shit.
Maybe we can talk about other stuff. I kinda want to get
back to our conversations we were having the other
day. They were really out there for us and I did enjoy
them. Maybe it's the depression talking now...


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