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2001-06-02 08:21:26 (UTC)


Fear is more pain than is the pain it fears. Shakespeare.
That is easy to say, easy to comprehend but definitely not
easy to conquer.

Fear bind us and cow us sufficiently to keep our action in
check. I fear a lot of things in this world and no matter
what I say to myself to quell this feeling, the cold
chilling pain in me lives on. It is one thing to comfort
oneself and another to feel comforted. Not a day passes by
without the terror running through my veins. And the one
thing that I fear most is human contact.

Socializing freezes my body over especially with strangers.
I hate myself everytime my hands shake and my voice
trembles whenever I speak to a stranger. Even a task as
simple as booking cinema tickets with the agent on the
other side of the phone terrifies me. I was really upset
with myself to feel my heart thumping the other day even
before the agent picked up the phone. Dammit. It was just a
simple task of booking tickets.

Driving is another thing that I am afraid of. I have
acquired my license for almost 2 years now. (No, I am older
than 17) And I feel like turning into a stone even with the
thought of holding the steering wheel. Drivers here are
aggressive and unpredictable. And they call us hospitable
and polite people. Yeah, right. And Hitler was a
compassionate man. Now, I know what people with phobia
feel. I am always advised that no matter what happens, as
long as I am fine, every thing else can be dealed with.
That is exactly the opposite of what I think. I don't give
the damn if my life was sucked right out of this cursed
body in an accident. It is the people's reactions that I
fear. They look as you as though you're the nasty worm and
bully you or laugh at you and blame you for the damage
done. And I know I cannot take it. Bitterness and hatred
will course through me - those hateful homosapiens. But
there and then, I will be helpless. Although my brain tells
me to retaliate, my body replies with a surge of - fear.
This happens in everyday life - not only during driving.

May homosapiens be cursed. When will sweet armageddon
descend on us?

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