2001-06-02 05:49:05 (UTC)

i just got home from a night. i..

i just got home from a night.
i drank tonight.
and im still feeling it a bit..
i feel weird. because...i dont know if ive mentioned any of
this in here. but im a recoving drug addict...and alcohol
has ALWAYS been a huge thing for me. when i was 13 i went
to the hospital for alcohol posioning...1.77. at 1.8. you
die. im 17 now. and i have quit using all the illict
drugs...but recently i have been drinking again. and now
that i am out of high school...ive been smoking a lot of
ciggs too. its just scary. becuase i know myself...i knwo
how i work. you know? and i can see. the same fucking shit
happening again. every time i drink. its not just then, i
continue to drink. this is maybe the 3rd time in the last
two weeks i have. and its not like a sick puking vomit kind
of drinking its just having a drink per say. i had like a
quart tonight. and thats it. but still...i can see it
progressing. and its difficult becuase the majority of my
friends are a lot older than i am. its not a conscience
thing. i just do not get along with people my own age.
whcih is why im REALLY glad i graduated early. =). i would
have fucking lost it. lol. i dont know..tomorrow is gay day
=) yayay. ive been the last 3 years and this wil be my
fourth =) fun stuff. hehe. i have to wake up...in about...6
hours. sigh. i dont sleep enough anymore. and i start work
on monday. im scared. new jobs are scary. you know. hm...i
hope it goes okay. =) i hope. i hope. i definetly need a
job...its just really far away. i just hope that i can get
along with the people. i cut my hair today =) its cute. i
have short curly hair. and now i have lots of layers. yay.
im scared that im going to see my ex, sandra. tomorrow.
grr. oh well. hehe. im doing a lot better now that we arent
together =) which, is mad cool. she so fucking fucked me
over. fucking bitch. yes. im bitter. lol. =) oh well...
i love too much. thats my problem. i miss the crazy days of
unsilicited sex and drugs. oh well. this change. people
change...even the people you think youll be with forever.
you know? its funny. i dont trust anyone anymore. at all.
its really bad. not even my closest friends. except for my
baby...i trust him. hes my entire world. i wuold do
ANYTHING for that boy. its great =) i would be very happy
to die for him. =) you know? like, that is the way i would
LIKE to die. its weird though. because i know that i am
going to die early. and eveyone ive talked to who knows
about those type of things has told me that as well. its
not something im scared of. i just hope that i can help
people while im here. you know? thats what i do. help
epople. whether its with substance abuse problems or just
normal shit. which is why i have this diary now...so that
here. i can focus on me. becuase out of here. i dont. its
not about me. and i know that. but im happy to do what i
do. its what i enjoy. and i just hope that someone
somewhere might even be able to get something out of my
rambling. maybe someone will choose a different path in
life. than what i did. how i went...whether it was good or
bad. you know. its what i did. and yeah i was raped and
fucked the fuck up and i stole and i...god. so many
things...i saw so much. at such a young age. maybe that i
swhy i dont get along with people who are my age now...i
dont know. i saw people die. people i loved. you knw...i
saw them get raped. as i was. and i couldnt do anythign
about it. i od'ed on...lol. so many things...coke. blah.
etc...its scary and crazy to think about. in all
seriousness i know that i shouldnt be alive today. you
know? the amount of shit i did...and thats freaky to think
about. sometime i wonder if i really am still ehre. or if
maybe im just...dreaming. or stuck in some sort of mind
trip still...oh well. i dont know. i need to sleep. i hope
someone reads some of this stuff someday. its funny because
know one i know in "real" life knows about this. they dont
read it. its for me, and for you. and i hope it
accomplishes what its supposed to...

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