ppss007

El Diablo
Ad 2:
2002-05-02 09:02:17 (UTC)

the feeling is back...

Dear diary,

I had to return her purse yesterday which she had forgotten
in college. I drove all the way to her house even though it
falls completely out of my way to the office. But I guess
there wasn’t anyone else who could have done it. I was a
whole 45 minutes late for work that day but its ok.
I brought with me all my courage but I just couldn’t face
her. Her eyes…….her beautiful eyes, which are like a ocean
into which I used to drown, die and live every day - I
coudent even look into them! That pain in my heart had
started again. Her sweet voice…..which acted like a thirst
quencher for a dieing man in a desert of agony – I couldn't
even say anything to her. God knows how much I wanted her
to sit next to me and talk to me for hours on end. Although
it wouldn’t bring back the man who had died of thirst, but
at least helped to loosen the grip that the hands had on
the crumpled piece of paper within me. She looked as sweet
as she ever did, infact sweeter. But how I wish I could
have said that to her again.
As she walked back home with her possession, I watched her
in her heavenly grace. She moved like an angel leaving
nothing in her tracks untouched by her mystical presence.
What she didn’t realize was that she so easily took back
from me what was hers, but forgot to return what she had
taken from me. The one thing I that I guarded with my life
was now still miles away, and will soon be thousands of
miles away when she goes away from me!
I did every thing in my power, before, during and after she
left me……. “Every thing in my power” that wouldn't hurt her
in anyway. Maybe that was my mistake. I listened to my
heart more then what my mind told me. Maybe I should have
been more aggressive and strict with my decisions and not
weigh them in the scale of compassion. Look where I stand
today. Or do I? Still falling from the mountain that we
climbed together. I am not a bird who will start flapping
his wings and glide to another branch, nor am I an angel
who will sprout wings and fly to safety. I was just a plain
old guy who wanted nothing more then support, trust and
love. The three pillars that were enough to hold up the
roof of my confidence. when i finally started to think
about what i had lost and stopped looking at it from her
point of view for a change, i got the new title of "selfish
fool". Before we could reach the peak, I was told that we
had climbed enough. And that it was time for me to go. Just
like that! Forgetting all the troubles I had to fight
against just to feel her presence beside me.
Every morning I get up saying “yes, this is a new day with
out her in my way to success.” But then the thought comes
back to me that my success included her and it was she who
motivated me to try and achieve that success.

Its too late for me now. There is nothing I can do for
myself or for her except wait for this dreaded feeling to
pass. When it does I may emerge a new man capable of facing
life as the cruel, heartless, two-faces troll that it is. I
had written this long back praying to god that it would
never come true…..but it did. Here it is :

The fear

When you love someone with all your heart
That it sets the world and her apart
A wicked fear emerges, that’s deeper then sorrow
“will they be together even tomorrow”

One may not be a prince
one may not even be charming,
but this fear in the head
can sometimes get alarming

when love is this deep
that it deprives you of sleep
when she sneezes,
or tells you shes hollow

I know shes afraid
Of commitments shes had made,
That were said and easily forgotten

But remember one thing,
That its true love that bring,
Not something with time gets rotten

-Prashant P. Shevade

What is this confusing little feeling that I have now? At this point
my heart feel like a sheet of paper
that has been crumpled up in to a ball and is kept locked
up in the confines of the two hands. It wants to beat, but
cant because the hands are too tight.

Anyway ...... i dont know what to think anymore ...... will just go
off to sleep into the land of dreams. But she haunts that place
too....

- El Diablo


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