humming bird

my F***ed up head
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2001-06-02 04:19:37 (UTC)

hehe...i'm in luv!!!!!!

ok so matt is to cute..... he is always smiling and he has
the best smile ever. but it sux becuz i never see him at
school it seems like even tho i have for the past like 2
days but now he is either like grounded or going out of
town or both but i dont really know...and he like is sooo
cute bc he thought i was gonna stop liking him or something
and that is not gonna be happening anytime soon...i like
him so much and i just wanna see him so bad at least once
this weekend..... i hate hanging out with these guys tho
that he is friends with. i mean they arent really that bad
but the only times i have fun r like when matt is there...i
just always feel like outta place becuz all they wanna do
evr is like drink or smoke or toke up or some stupid shit
like today they fucking took vicodin i was like ok u r so
dumb! and like i dont do any of the stuff that they do,
they like do it to have fun or something and it just isnt
fun for me so i i dont care that they do it i
just care how stupid they matt doesnt do that
stuff and i mean he did last sunday but that didnt bother
me becuz he was still pretty like sober and he said he
didnt want me to think any less of him but i didnt care, he
coulda drank more but the fact that he CHOSE not to made me
like him even more... i mean i didnt like wanna ruin his
fun but i dunno how he reacts to liquor also so... ya know?
i dunno i mean it is fine that they do what the do but
sometimes i dont have the patience to deal with it all
becuz everyone gets into fights about some crap...that is
another thing to is that when matt was there and he was
drunk he still payed attention to me so i wasnt like
totally left out of it all u know ...i dunno how to explain
i is just there is always a prob or something
wrong everytime they do something liek that and it just
gets old sometimes....ok i got it see with matt...he wasnt
fighting with anyone when he was drunk...he was fine he
talked to me he didnt argue and he was pretty much normal
just like a lil buzzed so it didnt bother me..and he seemed
a lil looser like more comfortable now i am not saying i
like him better drunk but it just didnt bother me is
all.... and i mean the drinking isnt that bad..that is like
ok it doesnt bother me a whole lot it is the fucking
popping vicodin that i thought was dumb as hell!!!! the
rest doesnt bother me that mch i guess i think i just feel
like i should be doing it bc they all r and i am like the
loner in the group....ya know...the one who stays normal
while the rest have their fun but i still have fun not
getting drunk or high... i think it is funny as hell to
watch them! :P i just feel stupid not doing it like i look
like a wimp or something but yeah i dunno.. ok i am gonna
go tho.... but also one more thing...... I LUV MATT oh yeha
i keep like referring to him as my boyfriend on it slips out and i dont mean to it is so
weird cuz i havent ever done that i have to think
and make sure i say "the guy i like" and not "my boyfriend"
cuz he isnt my boyfriend...even tho i would like him to
be....i like him so much it is so weird i dont like any
other as long as he likes me then it doesnt
matter what other guys think of me which for me is like a
first! i am usually boycrazy but i feel like i can trust
him and i can trust myself with him and yeah u know what i
mean..i mean honestly there r some ppl who dont like him
and they tel me he is a jerk and i just let it roll right
off my shoulder bc i know that that isnt how he is to
that yet on purpose becuz i am really hoping that that will
change..but we'll see....oh OOH lightbulb!!! his mom said
he is grounded cuz of his grades so if he is like well can
i go to the library to study for finals then maybe she will
let him and i will get to see him!!! i dunno but yeah i am
gonna go now