2001-06-01 22:55:50 (UTC)

Bad day....

Everyone today said, "Is something the matter?" I
said, "No." There isn't anything the matter. Well, noting
at all. I just feel bad. I can't elaborate on that much
more. My friend, Katie, said she wished I didn't look so
sad, but I can't make myself look any happier.

I have SAT II tomorrow. I don't want to study for it. So
I'm not going to. I really should, but I don't care. I'm
so tired. Not so much sleepy tired, but just tired of
this. Tired of having bad days. Tired of days that end in
tears. I'm just plain tired. Once again I plead for you
to make it go away.

You know what's funny about all this? Nothing bad
happened. Yesterday, I had to do my Spanish presentation
which was horrible, but you know that's over now...I
shouldn't worry about it. In the back of my mind I do
worry about it. In the back of my mind, I always worry about
things I have said three months ago. I wonder if what I said hurt
another person. Once I said I was sorry and found out the other
person thought it was funny. But, it bothers me. It bothers me to
know I hurt someone else. Maybe I'm just weird like that.

All my days have been ending up a little weird, a little bad. I
don't like that. Not a good sign. I shouldn't believe in signs
anymore; they just make me sadder (if that is at all possible). It's
like that I could(n't) care less thing...oh well.

Stupid me. I'm going to leave today with a Dunbar poem. It's
called "We Wear Masks"

We wear the mask that grins and lies,
It hides our cheeks and shades our eyes,­-
This debt we pay to human guile;
With torn and bleeding hearts we smile,
And mouth with myriad subtleties.

Why should the world be over-wise,
In counting all our tears and sighs?
Nay, let them only see us, while
We wear the mask.

We smile, but, O great Christ, our cries
To thee from tortured souls arise.
We sing, but oh the clay is vile
Beneath our feet, and long the mile;
But let the world dream other-wise,
We wear the mask!

The end well, for now.

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