pink_line

..just me..
2002-05-01 20:19:44 (UTC)

amazed

hhm, havent written anything for a couple of days now. i came
here tho, but i just didnt know what to write. i think my
mind was all messed up. it's getting better now

first, now he left. just left. nothing more. i didnt even
say good bye, God bless you or sumthin like that. i just
kept my self quiet. hoping nobody would realize my sadness.
my loss. not even him. and so, he left.

then i got confused again. about everything. major, school,
friends, money. nothing seems to be right. it's not wrong.
it's just not right. not perfect. not the way i want them
to be. not the way i hope them to turn out.

but i was calm. i was perfect. stable, i can say. no tears.
no grumbling (well, a little i guess). just as usual. i was
amazed my self. i discovered myself feeling relaxed,
relieved. which is to the contrary coz i thought i was
supposed to get mad, or upset, or sad.

sunday morning, she called, crying. i just woke up at that
time. she was having a prob, dunno what to do. i tried my
best to calm her down. i told her what i thought about it.
i prayed for her. which amazed me more.

now i know why. why i was calm and relaxed at the time i
was supposed to be mad and upset. He was the one who gave
me the strength to go on. coz He knew she was gonna need
me. and if i wasnt in a good condition, what could i say to
her? how could i calm her down if i was confused myself?
see, now that's why. He wants to use me for her.

then it reminds me. how He use me. i'm still learning, so i
dont think it is such a big deal for everyone. but it is,
for me. and i realize, that i want more. i dont know how, i
just want more. to be His hand and feet (Audio A).. aint
that beautiful? it just.. amazed me what He did in my life.
and right now, even tho the prob is not over yet, i know
i'll get over it. He will help me. i hope.

amaze me more Lord, i really, really, dont mind if You do :)




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