My life
2002-05-01 19:58:22 (UTC)

~CoNfUsEd On LiFe, GuYs, ThE wHoLe 9 YaRdS~

ok brant is the gayest person on the earth! i dont
understand why im wasting my time on him nemore. i mean ive
had so many chancing w/ better guys and somehow they just
dont seem good enough for me...he does..for sum odd reason
he does. oh well i dont care nemore, ive been thinking
about my dad a lot lately and how he is going to die and i
havent seen him in 4 years, omg 4 years. and i havent made
an attempt. neither has he, i guess he dosent want to.
honestly i dont think i do either. im so scared to see him,
he has hepatities, liver failure and i garrentee something
wrong w/ his lungs (he smokes so much and he is the biggest
alcholic.) and even though he knows he is going to die he
just keeps on drinking, i dont understand it. im sick today
and i had like this long "motherly daughter" talk wit my
mom and i told her that i have smoked b4 and i dont like ti
and im not going to ever again...haha ya right. not
ciggerates. i mean bud is good, i guess. i dont know maybe
i do it to be "accepted" bc i always feel like everyone
hates me, i know they dont, i only have a few TRUE friends,
marissa, alex, rachel, chelc, and this girl named sydney
who i jsut started hanging out with. OH and Matt, even
though me n matt have had our problems, and i like him, he
has always been there for me. ever since we were in 6th
grade. 5 years in august. omg, it dosent seem that long.
time goes so fast. Anyways, i know that i could be doing
all this "bad" stuff.thats how i see it, drinking, smoking,
having sex w/ guys i dont know, doing the worst kinda of
drugs possible (extacy, coke, and i guess weed goes in that
catagory) thats what a lot of my friends are doing. and i
just listen to "how much fun" they have every wkend bc of
it. i dont see it as being fun. i see it as being suicidal.
asking god to kill u!! i mean when your on all that stuff
you do things you regret. and i live in gulf
the prepp city..and that GOSSIP city. so everybody knows
everyone else's buisness..and ppl say they dont care what
other ppl think but they do. i dunno ppl have problems.
thats my opinon. and i know that i would be in all of that
if it wasnt for marissa. She wont do ne of that, and im the
kinda person that wants eveyrone else to be ok and happy; i
worry about other ppls feeligns, i consider other ppls
feelings and problems. like that one saying "treat others
how you would like to be treated" i go by that..even though
i never get treated the same way. no1 EVER asks me how i
am, and when i decide to spill everything out on marissa
she jsut ignores me and waits till i shut up so she can
tell me her problems. and of course i listen because thats
what kind of person i am. i talk to everyone, im friedns w/
anyone who will be my friend. and no1 cares, oh well i
guess thats my life. im going to go. lvu ya