tarletondiva

Trials and Tribulations
2002-05-01 18:32:05 (UTC)

Learning more everyday

We just got back from lunch. Justin knows me entirely too
well. He talked about how he knew that he was losing me,
but he had to let it happen because it was the best. He
said he didn't want to, but he had to. That's kind of
comforting to know--that it isn't me. I always thought
that there was something wrong with me, but he told me that
he couldn't imagine a girl with more perfect qualities,
that when he was with Ayesha he would wish for a girl like
me, and he had it, but the timing was all wrong. I wonder
if true love has "timing". I'd like to think that love can
conquer all obstacles, but maybe that really is only in
fairytales. Hmmm...then again, maybe it's not and maybe
Justin and I weren't meant to be together. That's a
possibility. Who knows what the future holds? I just want
to be happy and be an entire person as opposed to a
fragmented one, trying to hold up against all opposing
forces.

We talked about Alan. It was hard. It's so weird talking
to him about someone else, but I better get used to it.
His friendship is too precious to undermine by avoiding
important topics that might be a little uncomfortable. He
knows that I like him. He said that he wonders when the
honeymoon will be over, when I will start to pick up on his
flaws. He's right though; that is how I do things. I
wonder what his motivation was for saying that. I think he
might be a little jealous, but he also knows that he did
this himself.

I can't wait until tonight. I get to see Alan, and it
actually won't be 11 before he can come over, because I
don't have to work. I hope that I'm not using Alan as a
decoy until I get over Justin completely. I don't think I
am. I think that I really like him alot; it's just hard
for me to tell sometimes. So often my mind tricks my heart
into believing something, as in an effort to serve as a
temporary coping mechanism. When I broke up with Brandon,
Jake and Derek were the pawns. I don't think that Alan is
a pawn, simply because of the fact that I didn't leave
Justin out of hurt or anger. I just walked away calmly and
decided to let fate run its course and stop trying to
control it. Hmm...the more I analyze myself, the more I
get disgusted with the fucked up things I do. Somehow I
manage to convince myself that there's nothing wrong with
it at the time, but in retrospect, my behavior can
certainly be dispicable (I'm not sure if I spelled that
right! )

At any rate, that's what's going on. Today is the last day
of class my last full semester of college. I'm about to go
to the last class that I'll ever have with Justin. THat's
sad. Becca and I had our last class together this
morning. I have finals starting Friday--I'll be completely
done by this time next week. Then I have THREE WEEKS
off!! :) Nothing to do but work. It's going to be nice.
Hopefully Becca and I will go to Houston sometime to look
at things again. The next time I go, I want to take Alan.
We'll see though. He works so much--he's very hardworking,
which is something I admire. :) Gotta go--the next time I
write I'll probably be in the midst of FINALS!!
AHHHHHHH!!!! :( Oh well. I already have a job, so I'm not
too worried about it--as long as I fucking pass
everything! :)




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