whoami?

another day another thought

well although i told myself i wouldn't think about jeff and
i, i knew i would. this thing that's going on inside my
head will just not go away. i feel like i need to do
something, but what? i mean i can get mad at him and
decided to break up, but then when i see him, it's just
easier to fall back into a routine with him. it's easier to
just kiss him like usual, and act like nothing is wrong,
but there is something wrong! thing is, it isn't really him
at all. it's just that now, at this point in my life i feel
like i need to be single, not alone, but independant. i
just dont' know if i'll be able to be completely happy
until i've been by myself for at least once in my life.
i've always had a boyfriend, and for the last 4 years it's
been jeff. i just don't want to take away from him because
i can't give fully to our relationship. yet i don't want to
hurt him by breaking up. it's hard to be in a situation
where you know that a person feels differently about you
than you do about that person. I know that i need this time
to myself to figure out what i want with my life, what i
want with me, but i don't know how to let go of him. i'm
afraid i'll lose him from my life forever. i do love him,
but know i don't need to be with him right now. that
doesn't mean i don't want him in my life. this is too much
to handle, especially here at exam time! but isn't this
what life's about?