jsurookie

11th..g®adë
2002-04-30 23:25:39 (UTC)

Random Things To Read While I'm Gone...Have Fun...


JOKES

FAMOUS PEOPLE SAY THE DARNDEST THINGS

"There are only two reasons to sit in the back row of an
airplane: Either you have diarrhea, or you're anxious to
meet people who do."
Henry Kissinger (former US Secretary of State)
"Things you'll never hear a woman say: 'My, what an
attractive scrotum!'
Patricia Arquette

"And God said: "Let there be Satan, so people don't blame
everything on me. And let there be lawyers, so people
don't blame everything on Satan."
George Burns

"Luge strategy? Lie flat and try not to die."
Carmen Boyle (Olympic gold medalist in luge, 1966)

"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake
whole relationships."
Sharon Stone

"My girlfriend always laughs during sex-no matter what
she's reading."
Steve Jobs (Founder: Apple Computers)

"My cousin just died. He was only 19. He got stung by a
bee-the natural enemy of a tightrope walker."
Dan Rather (News anchorman)

"I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I
said, 'Thyroid problem?"
Arnold Schwarzenegger

"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport
for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like
black pimps."
Tiger Woods

"I read somewhere that 77 per cent of all the mentally ill
live in poverty. Actually, I'm more intrigued by the 23
per cent who are apparently doing quite well for
themselves."
Jerry Garcia (Grateful Dead)

"I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to
be devoured by a Great White or if a piece of seaweed
touches my foot."
Axel Rose (Guns'n'Roses)

"Capital punishment turns the state into a murderer. But
imprisonment turns the state into a gay dungeon-master."
Rev. Jesse Jackson

"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-
bitch."
Jack Nicholson

"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where
he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad
it is."
Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady)

Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a
man's genitals through his wallet."
Robin Williams

"Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think
of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself."
Roseanne

"In the last couple of weeks I have seen the ads for the
Wonder Bra. Is that really a problem in this country? Men
not paying enough attention to women's breasts?"
Hugh Grant

"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that
many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms.
They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the
problem?"
Dustin Hoffman

ACTUAL MEDICAL CHART NOTES

1.Patient has two teenage children, but no other
abnormalities.
2.Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for
over a year.
3.On the second day, the knee was better, and then on the
third day it disappeared.
4.The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also
appears to be depressed.
5.The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me
in 1993.
6.Discharge status: Alive, but without my permission.
7.Healthy-appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally
alert but forgetful.
8.The patient refused autopsy.
9.The patient has no previous history of suicides.
10.Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
11.Patient's medical history has been remarkably
insignificant with only a 40-pound weight gain in the last
three days.
12.Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for
lunch.
13.Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this
lady pregnant.
14.She is numb from her toes down.
15.While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.
16.The skin was moist and dry.
17.Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.
18.Patient was alert and unresponsive.
19.She stated that she had been constipated for most of
her life until she got a divorce.
20.Rectal examination revealed a normal-size thyroid.
21.I saw your patient today, who is still under our car
for physical therapy.
22.Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and
accommodation.
23.Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus-
sized.
24.The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
25.The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he
took a job as a stockbroker instead.
26.Skin: somewhat pale but present.
27.The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.
28.Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. ____, who felt
we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.
29.Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.
30.She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband
states she was hot in bed last night.
31.Patient was found in bed with her power mower.

More next entry...
"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a
woman I don't like and just give her a house."
Rod Stewart., aging cover band singer

~Justin




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